Meteor
by BasicallyRed
Summary: New Moon from Edward's perspective, this story is following in Stephenie Meyer's Midnight Sun footsteps, or at least what I believe they were, I have not read the draft. See what happens to Edward when he leaves Bella... and his world tumbles into darknes
1. Preface

_These violent delights have violent ends_

_And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,_

_Which, as they kiss, consume._

Romeo and Juliet, _Act II, Scene VI_

Meteor

~S~

Preface

The serenity I felt was odd in the fact that I was going to die in a few minutes. Compared to the devastation, the all consuming throbbing that had taken over my silent heart, I basked in the calm for a moment. Flashes of red swam in the square in front of me, but I did not notice them. All I could see was _she_.

If ghosts existed, (which they did not, as there were enough life threatening supernatural beings in this world already,) I imagined that she was here with me today. She had worn my favorite blue sweater, and her pale skin was radiant, almost glowed; her liquid brown eyes sparkled in the sun. Her cheeks filled with pulsing blood and became the color of roses. She was a true vision sent from heaven- a perfect being. Then, when it looked like my angel was going to give me her hand and lead me to salvation, the crease between her eyes appeared, and I knew she was concentrating. She tried to push me back, fruitlessly against my inhuman strength, telling me not to do this, that it was silly- she didn't want me to die. I smiled, a sight that both endeared and frightened, at how even in my imagination, this girl loved me enough to try to protect me, when it was she who needed the protection. But it was too late for that now.

For once, it was easy for me to block the voices in my head, as if death had given me instant clarity. The girl had disappeared, and my convictions were even more set. Who cared if there is no place after death for monsters like me? Without her, there was no life.

The clock tolled again, and I took another step toward the light.

* * *

I own nothing. The characters, the plot, most of the dialogue, all Stephenie Meyer's. Please review!

Soundtrack for Preface: Something- The Beatles

Take A Bow- Muse


	2. Party

1. Party

Bella.

I thought of nothing else as my fingers flew across the piano keys, gently and slowly at first, picking up speed and fervor as Bella's Lullaby grew in intensity. The century of practice was clearly evident in the solid movements of my digits. The fact that I knew this melody like the back of my stone-like hand might have helped as well.

The blinking red light on the exceptionally first-rate recording equipment signaled to me that I was in fact recording. My family had been kind enough to step out for the night, although they could have spent the entire evening soundless without any effort. They knew that tomorrow was an eventful day and that hunting tonight was an excellent idea. I couldn't hunt, however, because I need to make this recording perfect. (Alice had already tried to tell me Bella's reaction to my gift, but I insisted on not knowing until I could see the reaction myself. Although, more often than not, it's beneficial to have Alice's gift around, she really knows how to spoil a surprise.)

The Lullaby continued in a series of slower and faster sections, homage to the pattern of Bella's consistent heartbeat, my favorite sound. Ironically, the Lullaby must come to an end, as Alice predicted Bella's heartbeat would too. As much as I wanted to try to stop both of these occurrences, I was starting to see it was a futile battle. I could play forever, as I could live forever. But Bella is human, there is only so long she could listen, as there is only so long her heart will continue beating.

The last few chords, melancholy and sweet, rang out at the touch of my fingers. I knew, however, that I had not finished my recording yet. A surge washed over me as a new wave of notes flooded my being. Another song for my Bella with so many more waiting in line to form.

One would think that it is ironic for a vampire to wish for daylight, but I guess I'm not your normal vampire. Since Bella had come into my existence, I hated the night. It only signaled time when we had to be away from each other. Truthfully, she only needed to be away from me mentally, as humans have a necessity for sleep, whereas vampires never tire. While being physically connected to Bella was a great option, I longed for her thoughts while she slept, craving to know her dreams. Ever the puzzler, she was, with her silent thoughts. At least she talked in her sleep.

As of recent, I had not spent most nights with Bella. Her father was not pleased with me since the whole Phoenix incident. (Honestly, I was not too happy with myself, either.) We did not want to push Charlie overboard, and therefore paid slightly closer attention to the rules. Slightly.

_Ahem_.

"Alice, people can't mentally clear their throats. If you wanted my attention you could have just said my name." My sister, and one of my best friends, stood in front of me. Although not really related by blood, we resembled each other by our freakish beauty, extremely pale skin, and golden eyes. A look of excitement gleamed in Alice's eyes.

_I'm so excited for Bella's birthday! To think, the Cullens celebrating a birthday! How long has it been? Since Emmett, I'd say. I have everything planned out for Bella. She is going to be so mad, I can see the look on her face already!_

She then showed me Bella's angry face- a face I already knew so well. Although we'd only been dating for six months, I have already seen much of Bella's angry kitten face. I chuckled at the sight, as I always do. The girl thinks she can be fierce, but the truth is, she would never hurt a flea.

"Alright, Alice, since we're both excited for Bella's birthday, why don't we just go to school now and wait for her there?" She was standing at the door before I could even read her reaction.

_Well? Are you coming or not?_

I shook my head in response, although my slight grin gave away my true feelings. Alice may be a tiny annoyance, but I have always had a big soft spot for her.

We climbed into my silver Volvo, and within no time, reached Forks High School. The digital clock in the dashboard said 7:30, which meant that there was a half an hour before classes began. I glanced in Alice's direction.

_Bella should be here in a minute, _she thought, before reaching for the door handle. There were no other students around, as early as we were, so I didn't have to feign human speed, but I did it anyway, as there was no rush. I could feel the excitement and anticipation building inside my hollow chest. The progress I had made in these past six months towards feeling human emotions was all thanks to my beautiful Bella. I owed her everything. She had brought me back from the dead and helped me to find true love, an accomplishment I never thought possible. She loves me back, too, while other humans would run away in fear. Which she should, because I could kill her as easily as I can walk and talk. The thought made me imagine her fragile, silky skin, stretched thinly over her pulsing veins. The monster inside me quietly roared, something that had not occurred in quite some time. I guess I should have taken that hunting trip last night.

Alice stood beside me, and nodded as Bella's truck turned into the high school parking lot. My vampire eyes immediately locked onto Bella's visage. Even after half a year with her, I still couldn't believe that I deserved this degree of good fortune. Especially when it was such a danger to such an angel.

I caught a frown on Bella's face, the pucker between her eyes in place. Immediately, I wished that Alice was not holding Bella's birthday gift where it could be seen. I wanted this day to be perfect, and she knew Bella had specified not to get her anything.

Bella parked and slammed the door of her antique red truck on her way out. Rust particles fluttered down to the asphalt. She walked slowly to us, as if in pain, and I felt a familiar flutter inside, and suppressed the urge to run to her and engulf her in my arms.

Alice, on the other hand, oblivious to Bella's funeral march, skipped forward to meet her. "Happy Birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" Bella hissed back, clearly agitated. She glanced around, as if to make sure we could not be overheard. The things this girl worried about were in serious disorder- she would gladly be not only in the presence of, but touching and interacting with vampires, but cowered at the possibility of a celebration in her honor.

Alice ignored Bella's anger. "Do you want to open your present now or later?"

A slight change in the wind pattern blew Bella's hair towards me, and I braced myself for the reaction. Her scent hit me, so sweet and flowery. I do not know if I'll ever be able to make up proper words to describe the glorious aroma. Immediately, a dull flame burned at the back of my throat, and venom dripped onto my tongue. Clearly, the past six months had calmed the sensation, but we were not quite there yet. I doubt if I'll ever get to a point where the reaction ceases altogether. The monster growled, but stayed in check.

"No presents" Bella mumbled, her mood radiating out of her in synchronization with her heat.

"Okay… later then." Alice was finally aware of Bella's sourness. "Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?"

This made me smile and Bella sigh. Alice had shown me the presents Bella's parents had gotten her against her wishes.

"Yeah. They're great."

"_I_ think it's a nice idea," came Alice's retort. "You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience."

"How many times have _you_ been a senior?" At Bella's words, I tensed. I was not able to read Bella's mind to know her thoughts, but I knew her well enough to know where this was going.

"That's different." Bella had caught Alice off guard- an incredible feat. However, Bella is an incredible woman.

As the girls arrived to stand by me, I could feel my excitement brewing. Although we had only been apart for a few short hours, I had ached for my Bella. If I had a heartbeat, it would be racing, perhaps even faster than how I drive my cars. I need to keep control, though, and simply hold my hand out for Bella. Her marked, soft skin felt scorching against mine, but not painfully so. Instead, it was inviting warmth, like snuggling up in front of a fireplace after playing too long in the snow. Being careful to keep my strength in check, I gently squeezed her hand, hoping to reassure her that everything will be fine. My eyes caught onto her chocolate brown gaze, and immediately, her heart rate sped up a couple notches. Another smile crept onto my face.

I lifted my other hand and traced the outline of her lips, wishing to be able to do more. _Control, Edward, control is what will keep her alive_. I repeat it over and over to myself, a mantra I adopted when I fell in love with a human.

"So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct." I love when Bella tries to mimic my ingrained articulation. It is amazing how differently people speak in this century- so lazy about their language.

I tried to keep the mirth out of my eyes as I said, "just checking." I ran my hand through my hair; a thoughtless habit that keeps me looking like the normal teenagers around me. "You _might_ have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice let out a laugh and chimed in. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?"

Bella's face darkened. "Getting older."

Her voice wavered a little, giving away more than she wanted to. I tensed again, the vampire reaction to stress. I worked hard to keep the smile on my face. I was hoping it would not be like this today.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said, trying to lighten the mood. "Don't women wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

Bella wouldn't give up that easy. "It's older than Edward." The words were barely audible.

My sigh was clearly audible.

_I'm trying, _rang Alice's thoughts. "Technically," she said to Bella, "Just by one little year, though."

Bella did not fully comprehend the consequence of becoming a vampire. She refused to listen to the fact that she would not be gaining immortality but losing her soul, the very essence of her being. I could not allow that to happen. I could not forever condemn the reason for my existence, as I myself had already been condemned. I can understand how vampirism may appear appealing, especially if we Cullens are the prime example, but it is impossible to simply describe the constant anguish that comes with being a monster, the physical and emotional pain in relentlessly denying who you are when it is so clearly defined.

We were constantly at an impasse.

"What time will you be at the house?" Alice, ever the peacemaker, changed the subject. _Edward, if she fights me on this, you have to help me out. Everything is already planned out and we really need this. Even Emmett and Rosalie are back for the _birthday._ Make her see that._

"I didn't know I had plans to be there." Bella looked at Alice, her eyes suspicious and wary.

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" It almost sounded like Alice was whining, but it was so hard to tell with her tinkly voice. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I_ want."

_Edward…_

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I broke in, peeking at Bella out of the corner of my eye and trying not to smirk as her eyes narrowed irritably.

"I have to work," she protested.

"You don't actually," Alice smiled smugly. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

Although I could not hear them, I could see behind her expressive eyes the gears in Bella's mind shifting, trying to find another excuse. "I – I still can't come over," she stammered. "I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet_ yet for English."

An unladylike snort released from Alice. "You have _Romeo and Juliet_ memorized."

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it – that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

_Edward, how do you put up with her sometimes? A little help here, please?_

I rolled my eyes both at Alice's desperation and Bella's stubborn determination. This exchange did tickle my funny bone, so I decided to let Alice hang in the balance a little longer.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice accused, her thoughts filling with more and more expletives.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best." I had to give it to Bella; her obstinacy gave her a drive above and beyond any other human being I have ever met. She could do anything she set her mind to, whether trying to get out of a birthday party or losing a vampire who could see the future in order to fight off another vampire who's every intention was to kill her. I shuddered at the thought, so slightly that only Alice could even tell I had moved.

Alice's face dropped into a glare. _Losing it here, Edward. Thanks for the help,_ Alice thought before continuing out loud, "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other – "

"Relax, Alice." I had to cut her off before things got out of control. All this over a birthday party, but I could understand the meaning behind it. "If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday."

Even before Bella childishly retorted, "so there," Alice's face softened. I knew she would see the change in the evening's events.

"I'll bring her over around seven. That will give you more time to set up."

_Ha. Thanks for leaving me hanging for so long, Edward. Some brother you are._ As she thought it, however, Alice laughed out loud. It was always hard for Alice and I to be angry at each other. We dealt with our crooked minds together, which created a bond unlike any other.

"Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella!" Bella scowled, but Alice remained un-phased, since she could see she would get her way. "It'll be fun, you'll see!" Grinning, Alice planted a kiss on Bella's cheek and started off to class, her pace slightly too fast for our human façade in order deny Bella response time.

Bella turned to me, her brown eyes wide and pleading.

"Edward, please-"

Placing my index finger tenderly on her lips, I cut off her sentence.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

We took our seats in the back of the classroom. No one bothered staring at us anymore. The shock of our relationship had worn off, and our classmates had grown accustomed to seeing Bella Swan with the strange Edward Cullen, who, as rumor has it, convinced Mrs. Cope to put the couple into as many of the same classes as possible. I still caught the thoughts, though. The girls, awed and confused, jealous of Bella, while the predictable boys imagined ways to kill me, each more laughable than the last. That insufferable Mike Newton stole a smile at Bella, all the while imagining himself dangling me out of a sixth story window above a very large, very sharp, and very rusted metal spike. Not very original, in any standard, but still enough to irritate me, if I did not have the satisfaction of knowing that Bella had chosen me. What's more, the boy had taken to styling his hair to try to imitate mine, and clearly had worked on his ability to hide his emotions. It was disgusting, really, to have someone so simple trying to copy me, but flattering none-the-less.

Bella spent the day distracted, and although I had an inkling of what she was thinking, I spent the day wondering exactly what it was. Full of curiosity and impatience, I debated a couple times asking her what kind of excuses she was forming to free her from the party tonight. I knew enough not to push my luck, however.

Also, I had a feeling that there was more to her worries than attention. Bella and her family are not exceptionally financially endowed. The Cullens, on the other hand, have had centuries to make money and very little to spend it on. Having a three hundred year old doctor father and a sister who can predict the stock market can help fatten your wallet. To me, Bella was finally a worthy outlet for my vast finances. Who better to spend money on than the most generous, unselfish, caring and compassionate woman? Bella did not see it this way. No matter how many times I would tell her that her affections for me were the most valuable thing I could own, she would not accept anything from me unless she knew she could give equal value back in return. It was quite frustrating, not being allowed to be the gentleman I had been brought up to be.

The most maddening of all was the fact that Bella would not let me assist her college fund. Part of this was her stubborn thought process on finances, and part of it was her stubborn thought process on her life. I would see Bella go through college as a human; that I was sure of. She, however, had a very different idea of her years after high school.

Alice and I were careful throughout the rest of the day not to bring up Bella's birthday in front of her. She had started to relax as more of the day slipped by.

Lunchtime found the three of us at our normal table. Bella's other friends sat there as well, slightly more comfortable with me and Alice now that there were less Cullens around. The division line that separated the rest of them from Bella, Alice and me was perfectly visible. Although Alice and I were used to being outcasts, the way in which the other kids were close, but in their thoughts leery enough to avoid both physical and verbal contact, reminded me how unsafe Bella was. Her comfort with beings that she knew were outright dangerous was clearly hazardous to her health, something I reminded her constantly and she rejected all the same.

In no time at all, school was over for the day. Hand in hand, I walked with Bella to her truck, but instead of holding the driver's side door open for her, I offered her the passenger's side. Arrangements had already been made with Alice to take the Volvo home. We were not going to take any chances.

Folding her arms, Bella stood stubbornly in the rain. "It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?"

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished." Two can play that game, Bella.

She smiled, thinking she caught me. "If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight…"

"All right." I shut the passenger door and strode past Bella to open the one on the driver's side. "Happy Birthday."

"Shh," her frown was back, but the shush was weak. She was giving in, defeated.

I played with the radio while she drove to distract myself from the slow speed. The radio was having a hard time picking up any signal.

"Your radio has horrible reception," I pointed out. It was all I could do to keep a smile off my face, since I knew that radio had seen the last of its days.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." Bella's words came out prickly, more so than she usually is with me. The familiar inquisitiveness hit me again; still I had to press my lips together as the smile threatened closer to the surface. I can never resist Bella's kitten anger.

We parked in front of the Swan residence, and I reached over and took Bella's face in my hands. Although I normally loathe my predatory ability to "dazzle," as Bella calls it, years of using the weapon to my advantage in non-hunting situations set off a knee-jerk reaction. Automatically, my movements became very tender, as I always handled Bella with care. She is especially breakable, and I am made to break things. My fingers swept across her temples, her cheekbones, her jaw line, dancing across the fire.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered, making sure my sugary breath reached her nose. Another predatory advantage, and another reason I hated what I had become- my own bait, a lure for human blood.

Her breathing became uneven, and her heartbeat quickened. "And if I don't want to be in a good mood?"

"Too bad." I was starting to cross the line from controlled advantage to man with wants and needs. As much as I was aware of my need for control, what human emotions were left in my system began to take over. _Control will keep her alive_.

I pressed my lips against hers. Fire and ice met to create otherworldly electricity. From previous experience, I knew she would forget to breathe. I was hoping for this reaction, hoping for her to forget her worries.

I let my lips linger selfishly. The fact that I was getting better at holding back the thirst did not mean that I should take more risks. I just could not stay away from this irresistible being.

Bella wrapped her arms around my neck and gave more to the kiss than I expected. Her enthusiasm presented my exact feelings at that moment as well, and I realized it was time for the kiss to end. My lips curled upward into a sad smile as I reached back to unlock her grip.

"Be good, please." The words barely came out. I had not realized how far I had actually gotten into the kiss. Reluctant to pull away, I pressed my lips to hers one more time and then folded her arms in front of her.

She put one hand over her heart, listening, as I was, to her heartbeat. "Do you think I'll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

I smirked, giving into my pride. "I really hope not."

Now it was Bella's turn to roll her eyes. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

My girlfriend is such a lady. "Your wish, my command."

Inside, I lay on the couch, waiting for Bella to start the movie. She teetered on the edge of the sofa, but I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into my chest. Aware that she would shiver beside my cold body, I pulled the worn out afghan off the back of the couch and draped it over her.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo." Not knowing what compelled me to say this to her, I realized the words were true.

"What's wrong with Romeo?" She seemed offended, and I wondered if she had one of those fictional character crushes. _If I could only hear her thoughts_, I wished.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline – don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?" The words spilled out.

She sighed. "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

"No, I'll mostly be watching you, anyway." That was what I spent all of my time doing- watching my love, and with good reason. A more beautiful creature could never exist. "Will you cry?"

"Probably," she admitted. "If I'm paying attention."

"I won't distract you then." As much as it pains me to watch Bella be upset, I couldn't help but be attracted to her emotions. I kissed the top of her head, taking in a giant sniff of her scent, welcoming the burning.

I spent most of the movie whispering Romeo's lines in Bella's ear. If she did have that crush on Romeo, I was not going to share her. She did cry when Juliet woke to find Romeo dead.

I was amused, in a depressed sort of way. "I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here." I lifted a lock of her hair to dry her tears.

"She's very pretty."

The thought of Bella imagining that the Juliet actress is prettier than she is disgusted me. Bella could never see her extraordinary beauty for what it was.

"I don't envy him the _girl_ – just the ease of the suicide." My tone was teasing, but the words were all true. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

"What?" She was horrified.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he'd become…" I realized how dark my voice had become, and tried for something lighter. "And clearly, he's still in excellent health."

She twisted to get a good look at my face. "What are you talking about? What do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?" Her look demanded an answer.

"Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…" I took a deep, burning breath, pausing to try to keep the demons at bay, struggling to keep things light. "Of course, I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

I saw something flash in her chocolate eyes, and for once, was glad I could not witness what she saw. I torture myself every time I have to leave her. What if I hadn't gotten there on time? What if I don't next time? She absentmindedly stroked the crescent-shaped scar left on her hand by that… _thing_.

"Contingency plans?" She shook her head, as if in disbelief.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes, as that fact has been made clear countless times. "But I wasn't sure how to _do_ it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

I imagined what it would be like to die. Carlisle is convinced that vampires, (at least vegetarians like us,) are not as damned as I think that we are. I know better. The change rips away our souls, and we are left a cold, hard shell of our former existence. There is no hope for salvation.

She was livid. "What is a _Volturi_?"

"The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settles in America – do you remember the story?"

"Of course I remember."

"Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do." I didn't want to continue this conversation. I had debated this issue with Carlisle until it bored me. Another impasse it seemed.

Bella's eyes widened in horror. She took my face in her hands, and she seemed to be trying to hold it tightly.

"You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

Again, her selfless caring for a soulless beast made me weary for her. "I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."

"_Put_ me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck was my fault?" The horror was morphing back into anger. "How dare you even think like that?"

"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I understood her pain, so she should understand mine.

"That's not the same thing."

I guess she wouldn't understand. A small chuckle escaped my lips.

"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off_ myself?" She hit below the belt with that one.

I fruitlessly tried to keep the pain from showing on my face. "I guess I see your point… a little. But what would I do without you?" She was my reason for facing each new day. Before Bella, my world was cracking, weighed down by an existence I never wanted. Now, I willed the daylight to come, giving me a chance to spend time with her, to protect my seraph.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence." She was so silly in her ignorance of how my life had changed for the better with her around. It was she who would be better off without me.

The thought made me sigh. "You make it sound so easy."

"It should be. I'm really not that interesting."

I opened my mouth to argue, but decided against it. I had become quite the compromiser in the past six months, but only in certain aspects. "Moot point," I reminded her.

Just then, Charlie's cruiser turned onto the street, his mumbled thoughts about Bella's birthday keeping me guessing. I straightened up, striking a more formal pose. I shifted Bella over a centimeter so that our bodies no longer touched.

"Charlie?" she guessed.

I smiled in confirmation. The cruiser pulled into the driveway, and Bella reached out and firmly took my hand. I braced myself for Charlie's muddled unsavory thoughts of me.

Charlie entered with a box of pizza. _Great, _he's_ here. Guess I should have expected that._ His thoughts became surprisingly clear; I surmised it was from his strong feelings towards me.

"Hey kids." He beamed at Bella. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure. Thanks, Dad."

Charlie accepted my declination. He was used to my lack of appetite by now.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked him when they had finished their meal.

Bella seemed to be trying to telepathically tell Charlie to forbid her to leave.

Charlie was oblivious. "That's fine – the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight, so I won't be any kind of company… Here." He picked up the camera he's bought for her birthday and threw it to her in a momentary lapse of judgment. She was all thumbs, a fact he knew well.

The camera barely touched one of Bella's fingers, and then dropped towards the floor. Finding an acceptable balance between human and vampire speed, I stealthily got my hand underneath the camera less than an inch off the floor.

"Nice save," Charlie noted, his thoughts wondering how I could have managed it. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullen's tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets – she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie," I agreed, partially because I had been trying to charm Bella's father into forgiving me for the trip to Phoenix. I handed the camera to Bella.

She turned to me, lifting the camera. The flash burned my eyes for a second, rendering me blind for the first time in ninety years. "It works," she said.

"That's good," Charlie's thoughts were already on the ballgame, his mouth in a slight frown. "Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while."

"It's been three days, Dad. I'll tell her."

Charlie had quickly taken to Alice when she had helped Bella through her injury. Perhaps because Charlie did not have to deal with helping to bathe his teenager daughter, or perhaps it was the same reason other humans found us vampires attractive - they had no choice.

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight." Mentally noting the time, Charlie dismissed us and started edging toward the living room.

I smiled victoriously, and grabbed Bella's hand, pulling her outside to the truck.

At the truck, I opened that passenger door, and this time, there was no argument. I felt relieved, since, in my excitement, I wanted to hurry home, which is close to impossible with Bella behind the wheel.

I drove north, anguished by the speed limit set by the aging Chevy. I pushed it over fifty miles per hour, and the engine let out a constant roar.

"Take it easy," Bella warned.

"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck," she interrupted, as I knew she would. "And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."

"Not a dime." In truth, I hadn't.

"Good."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"That depends on what it is."

I sighed, preparing for yet another fact to tell her to remind her of what the Cullens really were. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited."

She looked briefly shocked, and I got that familiar pang of anxiety. Though she constantly reminded me otherwise, I still wondered when the day would come that she would finally understand the severity of this situation and run for the hills.

Instead, she recovered and said, "Fine, I'll behave."

"I should probably warn you…"

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited… I do mean _all _of them."

"Everyone?" Her voice had a slightly panicked edge. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa." The rest of the residents of Forks were under the impression that the couple had left to attend college at Dartmouth, but of course, Bella knew the truth.

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But… Rosalie?" Rosalie resented Bella for many reasons, and had treated her very badly since she stumbled into our lives.

"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior." _Or she'll answer to me_, I added to myself silently.

Rosalie's bitterness for Bella had assisted in Emmett and Rosalie's decision to take an extended vacation. Wherever Rosalie was determined to go, Emmett went as well. Rosalie's love for Emmett must have beat out her hatred for Bella in this situation, however, and he had convinced her to return home for Bella's birthday celebration. Emmett had immediately taken to Bella, and her clumsiness became subject to his sense of humor. He could never resist trying to make her blush.

I decided to change the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"

"You know what I want," she whispered cautiously, knowing the subject would set off my temper.

My mood soured for the umpteenth time today. Although we had this fight countless times before, today set a new record.

Hoping my deep frown would help stress my point, I replied, "not tonight, Bella."

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

The boldness of her statement set me off guard, and I temporarily forgot my self-control, letting out a fierce, low, animalistic growl. "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella." I vowed that I would never let anything damage her again, and that included eternal damnation.

"That's not fair!" She was pushing, and she knew it.

I clenched my teeth together, trying urgently to compose myself. I focused my thoughts on Alice's work as we pulled up to the house, which glowed brighter than I'd ever seen it before. Japanese lanterns hung from the eaves of the porch, softly shining into the surrounding forest. Huge bowls of pink roses lined the stairway up to the front door. In another life, Alice would have been the greatest party planner of our time. We couldn't risk that amount of exposure, though, so Alice took whatever opportunity she could to live her dream.

I took a few deep breaths, and though Bella's bouquet brought the familiar dull burn, it also had an unbelievably soothing effect. Almost back to my generally calm demeanor, I reminded Bella, "This is a party. Try to be a good sport."

Her gaze dropped down to her hands and her shoulders slumped; I knew she would drop it. "Sure."

I slid out of the car and opened her door, offering her my hand if she wished to hold it. She looked at it for the briefest moment, and then quietly said, "I have a question."

I peered into her eyes, trying warily to determine what she would ask.

"If I develop this film," she said while moving the camera around nervously in her hands, "will you show up in the picture?"

Relieved and surprised, I laughed unreservedly. I pulled her out of the car, careful to keep her steady, and let her up the stairs, laughing while I opened the door and stood aside to let her enter first.

Waiting in the large, white living room was the rest of my adopted family. "Happy Birthday, Bella!" they chorused. Bella again reacted by looking down and slumping, her cheeks tinted crimson. Alice had outdone herself in this room. Pink candles were scattered everywhere accompanied by crystal bowls full to the brim with more pink roses. Next to my piano stood a large table covered in a pristine white tablecloth. On the table sat a towering pink birthday cake, more pink roses, a stack of crystal plates, and a tiny mountain of silver-wrapped packages.

Bella must be in a tizzy.

I tried to encourage her by wrapping my arm around her waist and kissing the top of her head.

Esme came forward and hugged Bella, cautious of being so close to such an alluring aroma. She, too, kissed Bella's forehead in encouragement. Carlisle playfully draped his arm over Bella's shoulders.

"Sorry about this, Bella, we couldn't rein Alice in." Although Alice would have heard him if he really had tried to keep his voice down, he stage whispered for the sake of Bella.

Behind Esme and Carlisle stood Rosalie and Emmett. I gave Emmett a quick pat on the back while Bella was occupied by Carlisle. She was convinced that Rosalie and Emmett had left due to her and she knew Emmett's absence depressed me. _I missed you, kid, _he answered with a quick pat on my arm. Although I had changed years before Emmett, I was forever seventeen, whereas he held onto his twentieth year. A quick glance at Rosalie showed me that although she did not look happy, she did not glower at Bella either. A stone face was better than antagonism, I guess.

Bella looked up at Emmett, and he took his cue. "You haven't changed at all," he joked in a saddened tone, "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

His chiding always made the impossible happen, her cheeks flushing to deeper and deeper crimson. "Thanks a lot, Emmett," she said.

He chortled his deep booming laugh. "I have to step out for a second." He used a moment to noticeably wink at Alice and then continued speaking to Bella. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

"I'll try."

Alice sprang forward to Bella's side, her bright smile glinting. Jasper stayed where he had been at the foot of the stairs, acknowledging his promise to keep his distance. Jasper had been a vampire for much longer than any of us other 'children' but was the newest to 'vegetarianism.' This made him more of a liability. At current moment, however, he leaned casually against the stair post, taking in the joy that filled the room.

"Time to open presents," Alice decreed. She led Bella to the white covered table.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything-"

Alice interrupted, "but I didn't listen. Open it." She swiped the camera out of Bella's hands and as soon as the camera had left Bella's fingertips a big, silver box replaced it.

Alice's thoughts told me the box was empty. Emmett was currently affixing the shiny new car radio into Bella's truck. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had conspired together on the gift, although I had a feeling Rose had not really had much input.

The quizzical expression on Bella's face when she had torn the paper off the box told me she had no idea what the gift was. "Um… thanks."

Bella's stupor made Rosalie actually crack a smile. Jasper chuckled in his corner. "It's a stereo for your truck," he clarified for her. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

Of course that had been Alice's idea. She had seen what Bella's reaction would be.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella grinned at me, remembering my staged complaints about her radio today. "Thanks, Emmett!" she called to him.

His laughter came booming in the front door, and Bella joined in with him.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said excitedly. She tried to hand a small, flat package to Bella, who turned to me with death-ray eyes.

"You promised."

Emmett saved me a few moments by bounding briskly through the front door. "Just in time!" He slid behind Jasper, who had moved closer to get a better glance at the present.

"I didn't spend a dime," I replied truthfully. A stray strand of hair had fallen into her face, a perfect distraction. I deliberately brushed it away, my fingers tingling as they touched her skin.

She took a deep breath and turned to Alice with a sigh. "Give it to me."

Behind the others, Emmett chuckled, amused.

Bella took the package and rolled her eyes. She used her finger like a letter opener, sticking it under the edge of the wrapping paper to slice open the tape. I could sense it happening before it even occurred.

"Shoot," she muttered. The paper had cut her finger. She pulled it out of the wrapper and surveyed her wound. A fresh drop of blood trickled from the tiny sliver.

It all happened very quickly then.

My senses first went into overdrive, and I shut off my breathing. "No!" I bellowed and flung myself at her, throwing her back and away from the others. She flew across the table, upending the cake, presents, flowers and plates. She then landed in the pile of shattered crystal.

Jasper flew at her, knocking into me with such force the sound that resulted shook the house. His animalistic snarls ripped out from deep within. I was blocking everything from his mind that I could, barely able to think clearly on my own. Jasper tried to get past me, snapping his teeth in my face.

Emmett took Jasper from behind, using his massive strength to help me out. Jasper struggled against him, his dark, wild eyes trained on Bella alone.

I took one look at Bella, and gasped. My senses went haywire as I stared at the steady bright red stream that ran out of the canyon that split the skin on Bella's forearm in two. The scent caught me quickly; my throat seared with pain and the monster under my skin roared to life. Thoughts that had long left my brain swiftly flashed before my eyes, each more gruesome than the next. As I watched them pass, I realized that not all the thoughts were mine. Thoughts from Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Esme all invaded my addled brain, making me more confused and less in control by the second. The combined force of their monsters plus mine left me helpless, the angry growls rising in volume by the second. We were all unanimous.

Ravenous.

My angel was doomed.

* * *

I own nothing. The characters, the plot, most of the dialogue, all Stephenie Meyer's. Please review!

Soundtrack for Party- Bella's Lullaby- Carter Burwell

Super Xero (By Myself)- Linkin Park


	3. Stitches

2. Stitches

I was lost in longing for the blood spilling in front of me. The girl looked up dazed, fear spreading across her face. The added scent of fear only made her more desirable. My body prepared for the kill, venom pouring into my mouth, muscles tensed for the pounce. Imagining the taste as my teeth sank into her pulsing veins made my monster shake and howl with want.

_Edward, remember what _Bella_ means to you._ Carlisle kept his thoughts focused on me as he stepped in front of the girl. His overtly calm and powerful demeanor took over the situation. As he invaded my head, the monster inside quieted slightly, the other's killer instincts pushed aside by Carlisle's commanding thoughts. I both admired and was astounded by his control. It was something I was striving for, but wondered if I could ever achieve. I started to gain back my vision.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."

Uncharacteristically stone-faced, Emmett slowly nodded. "Come on, Jasper."

Jasper could not shake his desire. Struggling against Emmett's indestructible grasp, he bit at Emmett with his teeth bared, his eyes dark and feral.

_We need to help _Bella,_ Edward. _Carlisle's constant reminder of Bella's name opened the floodgates to my mind, bringing back my memories of Bella and my love for her. Surprisingly, I felt an instant change. No longer is my obsession focused on her blood, but on protecting her. I had never been so grateful to have a doctor in our family, someone who was so used to the smell of human blood that even the richest and sweetest smelling kind would not sway him.

I twisted around, shutting off my breathing, and crouched over my Bella, protecting her from my brother. A different kind of growl escaped from between my clenched teeth.

Rosalie, unpredictably composed, stepped in front of Jasper, a self-satisfied look upon her face. She kept her distance, as not to get in the way of his teeth, and helped Emmett fight him to the door.

Esme was holding the door open, clenching her mouth and nose with her free hand, clearly embarrassed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she yelled as she followed Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper.

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle said quietly. _I need to stop her bleeding now, or she could die._ He let his thought stop there, but I knew what he wanted to say- _because you could lose control._

It took a moment for me to force myself to relax. I slowly nodded and stood up straight.

Carlisle moved over to kneel beside Bella. He had to lean in close to get a better look at her arm, and I could see her trying to hide the shock on her face. An amazing woman like Bella should not have to be afraid to be around her boyfriend's father. This situation is all wrong. I could not put her into danger like this on a daily basis. What I am doing is selfish and uncalled for. She deserves better. Instant happiness. Not a life full of fear and regret. Really, I should have seen this coming. How can a person forever avoid bleeding, nevertheless a clumsy one? As long as blood pulsed through her veins, Bella was capable of being wounded, and swore I would never see the day where venom replaced her blood.

I knew what I had to do, but wondered if I'd be able to do it.

_That cut looks so bad. I hope she's okay._ Alice's thoughts cut into mine, and I was surprised to see how composed she was. Alice loves Bella almost as much as I do, in a completely different way. I should have been the one thinking clearly and helping out. Alice was obviously stronger than I am.

"Here." She handed Carlisle a towel.

"Too much glass in the wound." Carlisle shook his head. He ripped a strip of white cloth from the table, wrapping it around Bella's arm just above the elbow. The long, thin piece formed the perfect tourniquet. I detected Bella swooning a bit.

Carlisle noticed it as well. "Bella," he said softly, encouragingly, "do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" It was a mark of Carlisle's compassion that he wanted to make sure she was comfortable in the situation before he would continue.

"Here, please," she could barely whisper.

"I'll get your bag," Alice said. Again, I wished I could be of help. I had lost all ability to speak, as I could no longer breathe. It was starting to get uncomfortable, but I would deal with that for as long as necessary.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle said to me, giving me a reason to help. He always knew just what do to and what to say. Perhaps after three centuries of existence I could learn to be like that as well.

I lifted Bella carefully as, although she did not seem weigh a thing, I did not want to hurt her anymore than she was already damaged. Carlisle kept pressure on Bella's arm, stopping as much of the blood flow as possible.

"How are you doing, Bella?" The question came from Carlisle, but was for my benefit.

"I'm fine," she replied, more steadily than I would have thought her able to. She was used to getting hurt, perhaps she had built up a tolerance. Another thing to add to my list of her virtues- strength. I was trying to keep the pain off my face, and she was proving to be a champion.

Alice had returned with Carlisle's black leather medical bag. She plugged in a small but high wattage desk lamp to aid Carlisle's perfect vision. I let Bella down smoothly into a chair near the lamp, and Carlisle pulled up another, beginning his work.

I stood over Bella and Carlisle, unable to breath and unsure of what to do. I wanted to protect her, to make everything right, to make sure she never hurt again. But as long as I stood beside her, I could never be sure that she would be safe. I felt schizophrenic; like my person had been split in two and these halves were constantly at war with each other. The outcome of the battle had shifted, and I could feel the change occurring.

Bella noticed that I was uncomfortable, but only saw the physical nature of it, of which I was glad. "Just go, Edward," she said with a sigh.

"I can handle it." The words were out of my mouth before I could even think. It was impossible for me to leave her side at a moment like this.

"You don't need to be a hero. Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air." Carlisle pulled a shard of glass out of her wound, and she flinched.

She meant to help me with her words, but they all stung deep. I should be able to be the hero for my love. I wanted to be able to be her knight in shining armor. That was what I had fought to become over these past six months, and what I wasn't even close to achieving. A privilege that a charming, daring, smart and sweet girl like Bella should have, a gentleman who would die for her, not risk her death just by being in the same room as her. A gentleman who knew when the best thing to do was to say goodbye. Unfortunately, I was too selfish to be that gentleman yet.

"I'll stay."

"Why are you so masochistic?" She mumbled the question. We both knew the answer, because we were one in the same. The masochistic lion and the stupid lamb.

Carlisle broke in, "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes, go find Jasper," Bella agreed enthusiastically, wanting me to not be in pain.

"You might as well do something useful," Alice interjected, eyeing me. I had forgotten she was there.

I narrowed my eyes, angry that they were all turning against me. Also, I wasn't too keen on leaving Alice in the room with Bella. Alice's extreme composure so far had impressed me, but would she last through Carlisle's bloody excursion into Bella's arm?

_Don't worry, Edward, I'm leaving._ So Alice wasn't doing as well as she looked.

_Edward, please. It's best for Bella, _Carlisle firmly added.

Listening to Alice and Carlisle's thoughts straightened me out a bit, and I nodded and ran out the back door.

As soon as I took one step out the door, I allowed air to fill my lungs. Although breathing was not necessary for vampires, shutting off airflow was a very uncomfortable feeling.

I stopped, closed my eyes, and leaned back slightly to take in more breath. Focusing my energy on opening my mind, I listened for a hint of my brother, slightly aware that Esme, Rosalie and Emmett were standing in the woods just beyond the river having let Jasper go, knowing he needed his time alone.

After a short moment, I found him, still running. He was trying unsuccessfully to block me. He had a good lead on me- a hundred miles or so- but I knew I would catch him in no time.

Opening my eyes, I let my instincts take over. Running always gives me a sense of release, a way to let my worries disappear and to not have to try to hold back. To actually enjoy my immortality and some of the gifts that came with it and ignore the parts of myself that I loathed. I sped through the trees towards the river, and once there, easily leapt over the wide span of churning water. Easily darting through the trees, I knew exactly where to turn in order to follow Jasper's trail.

As suspected, I was easily gaining on him. Though he could not tire, he was in agony over what he had almost done, and was slowing considerably by the second.

_Let me go, Edward… let me go!_ He sensed my sympathy although I was still a good mile behind him. He did not want a pity party or words of encouragement. He understood the damage he had caused for many, many years and wore the weight of those injustices upon his shoulders. He bore the scars, the more vicious and untamed side of his vampirism showed physically, mentally and emotionally.

We all had our regrets.

Finally, the trees gave way a bit and I could see Jasper in front of me. He heard me behind him, felt my presence. He tried to block my emotional cocktail of anger, pity, self-doubt, despair and desperation. His own heightened state made it an impossible feat.

Slowing down, defeated, he sank to his knees. I swung around him and stopped, but waited for him to make the first move.

Raising his head, he said "I'm sorry, Edward," his voice heavy.

The anger I had been planning to use on him abated quickly. I sank to my knees beside my brother, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. His handsome features screwed up, but tears did not fall. We were incapable of that.

"Jasper, please, you know this is silly. I of all people know how enticing Bella's blood is. I almost lost it in there, too. Yes, you should have stopped breathing when you realized she was cut, as we have practiced before for preventive measures, but I understand why you couldn't."

"You were able to, though…"

"And I've been with her everyday," I cut him off. "I've been trying to make myself more and more immune to her scent, and I still was only a step away from killing her. We all are very lucky that Carlisle was there. Do you realize what you just achieved, though? The sweetest smelling human we've ever encountered just bled in front of you and you didn't even touch her."

"I would have, if you all were not there to stop me."

"But we were, and she wasn't hurt. That's really all that matters. You mustn't run away now, because you know how Bella is. She'll feel bad that she's made you upset, and she'll try to find you. She doesn't want to make this family more uncomfortable than we already are, and she doesn't want to do anything that would cause us to be unsafe."  
His face became incredulous. "She's the one who's unsafe, and it's only because she's got flesh and blood. Hardly a crime, but she's worried that she's the one who's to blame?"

"I know, Jasper, I have this fight with her daily."

His face shifted to genuine curiosity as he looked at me. "Then why do you do it? Edward, Bella's a great girl. A real catch. I understand that. But if you love her so much, why do you put her in danger?"

Although I had thought them myself so many times before, his words bit me. To hear them so clearly from my brother's mouth, and knowing he only meant them out of love for me and love for Bella, made them ring all the more true. A sharp pain knifed through my chest.

Jasper saw the change in my face. "I'm really sorry about what happened before with Bella, Edward. I'm a monster, trained since 'birth.'" He was trying to explain away _his_ actions, hoping to get me to forget _mine_. It was ironic that I had come out here to console him and how quickly the tables had turned. He was by no means over what he had done before, but was pushing aside his misery in order to help mine. I could feel his attempt to wash me with relief, but I blocked it.

"Let's just go home, Jasper. I need to make sure that Bella's okay." I knew he could read the change in my emotions just as I could read the change in his thoughts. He was right- not only about himself, but about me as well. I am a vampire, and we are trained monsters, living weapons for population control. A relationship between a human and a vampire, even one based on a strong, love-filled bond like Bella and mine, could never exist. There were two options, as Alice had predicted. Neither situation ended with Bella alive. She either died or existed without a soul. I would not be the cause of either circumstance.

Jasper nodded and we started home. He did not seem bothered when I ran as fast as I could, my pace beating his. He would stay outside of the house until Bella was gone anyway.

I reached the house quickly, anxious to see Bella.

"…Elisabeth Masen…" I heard Carlisle say from inside the kitchen. Why would Carlisle be telling Bella about my mother? Stealthily, I stole into the dining room. Nosiness pushed me back into a shadowy corner by the curio. I wanted to know more of what Carlisle was saying.

"I went to check on Elizabeth and her son first. I'd grown attached – always a dangerous thing to do considering the fragile nature of humans." I had to hold myself back from giving a snort at Carlisle's statement- how true it was! He continued, "I could see at once that she'd taken a bad turn. The fever was raging out of control, and her body was too weak to fight anymore.

"She didn't look weak, though, when she glared up at me from her cot.

"'Save him!' she commanded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could imagine."

The imagery of my broken mother was becoming a little too much to stand. I debated leaving the room or making my presence known. Too badly, though, I wanted to know the rest of this story.

"'I'll do everything in my power', I promised her, taking her hand" Carlisle continued. "The fever was so high, she probably couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt. Everything felt cold to her skin.

"'You must,' she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn't pull through the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. 'You must do everything in _your_ power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward.'"

My jaw fell open. If I had a heartbeat, it would have stopped.

He continued on, and I was unable to tell if he sensed me or not. His thoughts were only on his story, but Carlisle was never that unobservant. "It frightened me. She looked at me with those piercing eyes, and for one instant, I felt certain that she knew my secret. Then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She died within an hour of making her demand.

"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Just one other creature who could really know me, rather than what I pretended to be. But I could never justify it to myself – doing what had been done to me.

"There Edward lay, dying. It was clear that he had only hours left. Beside him, his mother, her face somehow not yet peaceful, not even in death."  
He took a moment, there, to pause and really see the memory. I could see myself, bed ridden and covered in sweat with bright red cheeks. My mother lay in the bed next to me, unmoving, and with her ashen skin, she reminded me of a vampire. She was dead. Again, despair washed over me, both my own and Carlisle's. I blinked rapidly, trying to force the vision away.

"Elizabeth's words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really want that for her son?

"I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pre and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty – of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London." At that, I shuddered, unable to reign myself in. Carlisle did not seem to notice. "I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." _He is my son, the reason for my existence, as you are his love, and the reason for his._ With this thought from Carlisle, I realized that he knew I was there. He meant his words, but clearly said them for me.

Carlisle shook his head, releasing the memory. "I supposed I should take you home," he smiled at Bella.

Conflicted, in pain that I did not want Bella to see, I decided it was time to make myself known. "I'll do that," I said, stepping slowly out of the shadows. Measuring every move, I wanted to make sure I was unreadable. She needn't know my resolution yet. She required time to heal first.

"Carlisle can take me," Bella replied. She was worried about the blood on her shirt and its effects on me.

"I'm fine," I tried to assure her, keeping my voice regular. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I left Bella and Carlisle again to find Alice outside.

I didn't have to look very far. _I saw myself giving Bella clothes. I figured I'd wait for the okay to go inside._ Alice was standing by the door, impatient. She wanted to see Bella almost as much as I had. Bella was the sister that Rosalie would never be to Alice. She offered a warm, comforting sisterhood where Rosalie was cold and self obsessed. Alice's love for Bella was another crutch I used to justify my decision to keep Bella around.

I had to make her understand.

_Edward, I can see what you are planning. _As always, Alice knew what I was thinking. _ Please, don't do this. If not for me, than for Bella. It will destroy her Edward, more than you or I ever could._

"Alice, do you want to be the one who causes her to die? Or would you rather be the one to rip out her soul."

_Be realistic, Edward. When you can love someone as deeply as you do, when you can feel such strong human passions, how can you not have a soul?_

"Should we take that chance?"

_She's willing to. It is her own self at stake here, Edward, not yours. You should let _her_ pick who she is and what she does._

"She is too young, too inexperienced. She does not know what she wants. Bella could have a long, fulfilling life, even a family. She is not fully contemplating the consequences of the change."

_How do you know that? How can you be so selfish?_

If it was possible, she spat the words at me in her thoughts. This conversation would get us nowhere at present, and I needed to get Bella home. "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Let's get those clothes."

She glared at me, fists balled up at her sides, and then strode through the door, and I followed her. She flittered over to Bella, but I hung in the background, not wanting Bella to look me in the eyes. Esme had returned as well, and was silently bleaching the floor where Bella had bled.

"C'mon," Alice said to Bella, her joking tone a little too forced. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."

Alice led Bella upstairs, and I turned to Carlisle. I could tell from his expression that he was expecting what I was about to say.

"I think it's time for us to pack."

_Do you really think that is necessary, Edward? It was just a cut, she'll heal. We just have to be more careful next time._

"There shouldn't have even been a this time, Carlisle."

_I know that you think you are destroying her, Edward. In reality, she is giving you back your life. Esme and I have never seen you so happy, so full of vitality. This can work, Edward, you just have to let it. You can reconsider your options…_

Shaking my head fiercely, I cut him off. "Stop, Carlisle. I will not reconsider my options. We will be leaving Forks. I'm cashing in my turn. I know how it upsets everyone to have to leave, but I have been most agreeable upon the last couple of slip-ups. This is my mistake, and my answer to fix it." The panic started to set in then, and I felt my eyes widen, my breathing becoming shallower.

Carlisle's face had fallen; he knew the fight was futile. I had won. The terror deepened, I would really be leaving my angel.

"I need some time." The words rushed out before I could stop them.

Carlisle turned his face slightly up, and peered at me out of the corner of his eye, looking for signs that my resolve had broken. I guess what he saw there told him that I was still going through with the plan- his face returned to its former glumness.

_How much time do you need? I'll have to let them know my last day at the hospital._

"Three days." Three days? I was being masochistic. Three days was just enough time for me to possibly lose my resolve or to make Bella hate me forever. I had to choose the second option. Bella's life depended on it.

Carlisle nodded curtly, becoming all business. Bella and Alice were on their way downstairs. He held his arm out for Esme, who had begun to shake with silent tears. She weaved her arm through his, pulling herself together for Bella's sake.

I stood by the door as stoically as possible, waiting, opening the front door as soon as Bella reached the last stair.

"Take your things!" Alice burst out as Bella crossed to the door. Scooping up the camera and silvery packages, Alice was starting to panic. _I can't believe you're going to take her from me, Edward. From us._ Her visage did not betray her thoughts, however. She pressed the items into Bella's uninjured arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

Their thoughts on me, Carlisle and Esme said quietly wished Bella a goodnight. I wished they would stop trying to furtively look my way, they knew how observant Bella was. My face showed them nothing.

Although I would take the bleach smell over Bella's spilt blood any day, the fresh air as we stepped outside was most refreshing. Bella seemed in a hurry to get to the car, and I kept her pace. I strode to the passenger side door, since she was obviously in no shape to drive. She did not argue this time.

As I slid into the driver's seat, Bella kicked the bright red ribbon that Emmett had placed on her new stereo under her seat. She probably wanted to lose all reminders of this night. I couldn't blame her, but she needed to remember what occurred. For her own safety, she needed to be frightened, to know what villains we actually were.

Another side of me wanted to play her game. It was just a mistake, one that was fixed. If Bella forgot about it, then she wouldn't be afraid, and we could be together. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I didn't look at the stereo, nor did I look at Bella. I couldn't, I didn't have the strength. One look at her staring at me with those sad, wary eyes and I would crumble.

I drove too fast, and the truck's engine roared. Still, the silence between Bella and I was even more deafening.

"Say something." The sound of her voice broke the tense air as I turned the truck onto the freeway.

_Fight it, Edward. Don't give in. Control is what will keep her alive._ The automatic mantra had an ironic appeal, now.

"What do you want me to say?"

She shrunk back at my emotionless tone. She stared at me, her liquid brown eyes pleading and desperate. She was gorgeous, her soft curly strands perfectly framing her pale, heart shaped face that was slowly gaining back is rosy glow. Her front top teeth toiled over her plump, pink bottom lip, as always occurred when she was stressed. A slight pucker formed just over her ski-slope nose, in between her brows, showing that she was concentrating.

"Tell me you forgive me."

For a second, I couldn't hold back my anger that this beautiful, good creature sitting in front of me was asking for forgiveness from a soulless monster.

"Forgive _you?_ For what?" The moment passed, and I fought to gain my composure once again.

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

She really needed to stop being a martyr. Nothing good ever happens to martyrs.

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty." My voice was becoming more and more mocking, in response to the anger, which I shouldn't take out on her. I was furious at myself for letting Bella become so attached, livid that I hadn't forced her to hate me.

"It's still my fault."

"Your fault?" At that, I lost all composure. "If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worse that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" Bella demanded.

_I'll tell you how, Bella. Because everyday I'm jealous of him. Because he can be to you what I can't. He can touch you without fear that he'll break you. He can kiss you without fear that he'll kill you. He can love you without fear that he's destroying you. I see what you can have, Bella, without me in your life. And you should have it. I'm ruining you, while Mike Newton can make you whole._

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with." Growling this angrier answer was more effective for what would come. If I elaborated, told her my fears, she would pity me.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

The honesty in her eyes would normally have melted my conviction, but the added morbidity of her words formed a giant ice cube in my chest. The decision was finalized. She would never have to make the choice to die for me; I was making it for her. These next three days would be a venue for me to turn her away, make her see she didn't want me. Then, I would leave.

I forced myself to speak. "Don't be melodramatic, please."

She followed my lead, a mixture of fuming and sympathy. "Well then, don't you be ridiculous."

In my chest, my resolve slipped slightly on the melting ice. Her anger was so adorable, irresistible. Unable to answer her, I kept my gaze intensely trained on the windshield, memorizing the dirt and bug splatters scattered across it. The activity helped me keep the blank mask upon my face.

The rest of the ride occurred in more silence. A few times I dared to peek at Bella out of the corner of my eye. Clearly, she was trying to figure out what to say to fix the night. My determination lurched again. I loathed myself for doing this to her.

I pulled up to the curb in front of the Swan residence. I reached down to kill the engine, but quickly brought my hand back to clutch the steering wheel. I had to keep both hands occupied, or I would do things I shouldn't, like caressing her soft, glowing skin or brushing my fingers along her sweet, pink lips.

_Control will keep her alive._

"Will you stay tonight?" Even after a vampire almost killed her, she wanted another to stay overnight while she was at her most defenseless. Her brazen disregard for her own being frightened me.

More than anything, I wanted to stay. Instead, I replied, "I should go home."

Her face betrayed her thoughts. She took pity on me, thinking I was going to go wallow in remorse. She didn't realize my ultimate goal, and of that, I was glad. For once she was not too observant for her own good.

"For my birthday." Bella actually stooped to taking advantage of the one day she hated above all others. She was desperate.

"You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." Having been caught off guard, my voice wasn't as somber as I had hoped. She was a challenge to read, something that made her even more endearing.

Brilliantly, she detected my waver, and relief spread across her exquisite features.

"Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."

She hopped out of her seat, a surprising agile move for her normally klutzy self. She turned and reached in for her packages. I had hoped she would not want them, as it would make it easier for her to forget us once we were gone.

The thought caused me to frown. "You don't have to take those."

"I want them," she responded right away.

"No you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."

"I'll live." She tried to carry everything under her good arm and reached back with her right leg to kick the door shut. Unable to stop the ingrained manners, I rushed to her side.

"Let me carry them in, at least," I said while taking the packages. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled sheepishly, but brilliantly. "Thanks."

I sighed at her natural beauty, the way her silly emotions made her glow. "Happy Birthday," I said, unable to resist the urge to lean down for a kiss.

She stood on her tiptoes, aiming to prolong our lips' touch. _Easy, Edward. _

I pulled my lips away from hers. I was happy, smiling, although I shouldn't be. If I stayed in this moment, I would betray myself. Instead, I turned and started off towards the tree outside her window.

The jump to the tree limb adjacent Bella's window was child's play. Since the window was unlatched, as always, I crawled inside, setting Bella's things on her bed. I sat there, absentmindedly toying with her gifts.

Charlie's muffled thoughts drifted up to me. I focused on them, trying to decipher through the fog. … _Count on Alice … fancy things … what did she do … this time? … Doctor around … good thing …_

We even had the Chief of Police fooled.

They said their goodnights, and I could hear Bella stumbling hurriedly up the stairs. She stopped in the bathroom, as she always did, to get ready for bed. Again, more human things that I could no longer do. Vampires could not sleep. We Cullens only changed our outfits to fit in with humans. Simplistic motions that I wanted to need again, but never would. With me, Bella would not be able to share a bathroom. We could have 'His' and 'Hers' towels, the 'His' would only be for show. We would never brush our teeth together.

"Hi," I said miserably as Bella entered the room.

She came up to the bed, pushing the presents away from me, and snuggled into my lap. Over time, she had seemed to grow more and more immune to my frigid temperature and the hardness of my skin.

"Hi," she replied, slightly excited. "Can I open my presents now?"

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?"

"You made me curious."

She picked up the gift from Esme and Carlisle.

"Allow me." Figuring that having the use of only one arm would hinder all unwrapping abilities, I took the flat, rectangular box from her. I tore the paper off in one swoop and handed the box back.

"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered under her breath, knowing I could here. I chose to ignore it.

Inside the box was a voucher for two plane tickets to Jacksonville. She took a moment to let that fact sink in.

"We're going to Jacksonville?" The excitement now lit up her face. Of course she would be happy to see her mother. Her elation only deepened my melancholy. She would have to take someone else, of course, but she didn't know that yet.

I wasn't going to tell her on her birthday. "That's the idea."

"I can't believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." She was gorgeous during excitement as well. She was just plain delectable, and that was why I was leaving her.

_Control, Edward. Keep it light for her birthday._

"I think I can handle it," I said, frowning. "If I had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

I chuckled, trying to make it sound more jovial and less ironic. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

At that, she put the tickets down and reached for my present. Her eyes burned with curiosity as I tore the paper for her.

"What is it?" The blank CD inside of the clear plastic jewel case perplexed her.

Instead of explaining, I took the CD out of the case and reached around her to put it in her player, which sat on her bedside table. It took a few moments for the first track to begin after I pushed play.

She listened intently, her eyes growing wider with every note. I realized my breathing had ceased completely while I searched for what I had been waiting for- her reaction. She seemed at a loss for words. Her eyes filled with tears, and her first reaction was to try to hide them away from me.

My immediate response was that something was wrong. "Does your arm hurt?" I asked worriedly.

She smiled lightly through her tears, more beautiful than I had ever seen her. She certainly wasn't making this easy for me. "No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." She stopped, wanting to listen to more of her lullaby.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here." My half-smile returned.

"You're right," she teased.

"How does your arm feel?"

"Just fine." Something about her answer told me otherwise.

"I'll get you some Tylenol." I needed a second away in order to regain my thoughts. My music for Bella was the expression of my passion for Bella. That passion was, at present moment, starting to overtake my reasoning.

"Charlie," she warned me in a hiss needlessly.

"He won't catch me," I promised and slid soundlessly out the door. The Tylenol was on the second shelf in the medicine cabinet. I ran back to her room with the bottle and a glass of water, returning before her door had swung closed.

Hoping that the pills would make her drowsy, I handed her the bottle. She took them without argument, knowing that I would win anyway.

The lullaby continued softly, slowing and quickening in time with her heartbeat.

I didn't have one to follow along with.

"It's late," I said to her, hoping she would get the point. I lifted her effortlessly, pulling the covers back with my free hand. Tenderly, I lay her back on the bed, her hair fanning out over the pillows. Tucking her quilt around her for warmth, I lay on top of the blanket so that she wouldn't freeze, but lay my arm protectively over her. There were some habits I would not be able to break, even in three days time.

She leaned her head into my shoulder, sighing contently.

"Thanks again." Her voice came out in a sweet whisper.

"You're welcome."

The soundtrack I gave Bella was the only noise for a long pause. Bella's lullaby ended, and Esme's favorite song began. So similar in nature were Bella and my mother. Compassionate, protecting, endearing, strong, brave and beautiful- these were all words that could describe them both. Yet Bella was human, and Esme a vampire. What was so wrong about Esme being a vampire? Truthfully, she ate animals, like any other carnivore, and she would never harm a human being if she had any choice in the matter.

Was Carlisle wrong in his choice to change us over to this eternal damnation? Should he have just let us die, as was our fate?

Bella broke the silence for the third time that night. "What are you thinking about?"

I hesitated, not knowing if I should tell her the truth. It was useless to decide against it. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

Her face fell, and she spoke quickly, clearly looking to distract me. "Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not_ ignore my birthday?"

"Yes." I wondered where she was going with this.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

Conflicted, I inwardly groaned while secretly rejoicing, but again, betrayed nothing. "You're greedy tonight."

"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do." She tried to make it teasing, but it was clear that she was annoyed.

Her irritation made me laugh, as always, followed by a deep sigh. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do." I was desperate for her, desperate for my last few days experiencing feeling I had never felt in my former life, and would never feel again after she was gone. I placed my hand under her chin and pulled her face up to meet mine.

The kiss began the way I had been practicing for the past six months- controlled, calculated. Her moist lips felt velvety against my stony pucker, and her heartbeat sped up as usual. The extra blood running through her cheeks enhanced her scent, filling my nostrils. The flowery aroma set me aflame with longing. _This could be the last time I have this opportunity_, I realized. Selfishly, I wanted more. Unthinking, I let my passion take over, my lips becoming more urgent upon hers. My free hand snaked up into her hair, holding her face securely to mine. Lost in the kiss, I felt her hands tangle their way into my hair, holding on for dear life. Lines were being crossed, and I could feel the results. My throat felt as if it were splitting open, but I couldn't stop. It was what I needed and what would break me.

She contoured her soft, warm body to mine, and new burning sensations ran throughout my being. The feeling was pleasant and welcome, filled with desire. All thought pattern started to fog over.

I pushed her away abruptly but gently, before all hope was lost.

I was quietly gasping for air as I replayed the kiss in my mind. Berating myself for my stupidity, I listened to her staggered breathing.

"Sorry," I said with a slight wheeze. "That was out of line."

"_I_ don't mind," she retorted with a pant.

My frown returned as I changed the subject. "Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again." She was so stubborn and reckless.

"You're overestimating my self-control." I was sure that I couldn't handle anymore.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body." She was challenging me.

"It's a tie," I grinned, unable to stop myself. I really thought about my answer, and grew somber again, the ice in my chest freezing back into a block. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," she finally caved, snuggling in closer.

She had to be exhausted, after the long day that had passed. She tried to inconspicuously press her injured arm against me, using my frigidity as an ice pack. I allowed it, hoping that it actually would help. I was curious if she had picked up any sign of what was to come of our relationship.

That curiosity brought my thoughts back to the kiss that had just transpired. I remember only one kiss that was as wonderful and desperate as the one that we had shared tonight, one with possibly the same ramifications as my decision tonight. It had been when we separated to try to throw James off of Bella's trail. I had allowed the same amount of passion and desire, not knowing when, or even if, I would see her again. It had been painful and glorious, just as the one tonight.

She shuddered as she fell asleep, and I wondered, had Bella caught onto this fact as well?

* * *

Here is a slightly revised version of this chapter. I own nothing, the characters, the plot, most of the dialogue, all stephenie meyer's.

Enjoy! Please review, and remember to tell your friends about Meteor!

Soundtrack for Stitches- One Step Closer- Linkin Park

Somebody Else- Bleu


	4. The End

3. The End

Bella had fallen into a fitful slumber. She tossed and turned, every once in awhile softly murmuring or moaning. As much as I wished for knowledge of what she was dreaming, I was somewhat relieved that I couldn't see her thoughts. I had an inkling of what was torturing her unconscious, and it tore me apart.

She laid still for a couple minutes, and I took that time to really look at her, to memorize her. I started with the contours of her perfectly proportioned body. She never worried about exercise or dieting, but she still had a figure that most other girls would kill for. The camisole and pajama pants set she was wearing hugged her body tightly, showing off her curves. Compared with the sharply angled features of vampires, Bella's soft curves exuded her human-ness. My favorite was her side- the indentation that stretched from her hips up to the bottom of her chest. I longed to run my hand along her silky skin, but did not allow myself that freedom. Besides, she would wake from my frozen touch, and she needed her sleep. Instead, my eyes wandered back and forth, tracing the soft valley that rose and fell to the rhythm of her breathing.

Straying upward, my eyes caught on the place where Bella's collarbone met with her neck. Immediately, my nose caught her scent. My lips tingled with want, longing to kiss her. It was Pavlov's theory in action- when I kissed that spot, Bella's fragrance was the strongest, probably having to do with the large arteries so close to the surface. Maybe I was wrong about Bella's side being my favorite spot on her body.

She stretched her head to the side, clearly dreaming. Her eyes darted back and forth under her eyelids, and she seemed in slight distress. I wanted to protect her, but my eyes couldn't leave her neck. Her new position had opened up the area even more, pulling the skin tighter. Even in the pitch dark, my intense eyesight picked up the capillaries located right under her pale skin. The more I stared, the more I sought to lean closer to her, letting her aroma take over my senses. The monster inside of me stirred and stretched, waking from his sleep.

My desire for her was shifting as I sat there gazing. I felt the familiar rumble, the start of my deterioration. Imagining the kiss had been one thing, but now I was picturing something completely different. Something completely disastrous.

Trembling slightly at the effort, I shook my head, trying desperately to clear my senses. How could a gaze become something so deadly?

The problem was not the gaze, but the thing doing the gazing.

As I calmed down, my thoughts stumbled back to the subject I was mulling over just before Bella dozed off. Could Carlisle really have never worried that what he had done was wrong? Did he stand by while we writhed and shrieked in pain and not think about the consequences of that agony? Ever the pragmatist, Carlisle believed it was the physical change, the extension of DNA from twenty-three to twenty-five chromosomes, that brought on the engulfing flames of anguish. I, myself, was convinced that the reason for the unbearable torment during the change was the fact that the soul was being ripped away. Torture of that magnitude had to be the result of something supernatural.

Would it not have been better to just let Rosalie, Esme and me die? Would we have had a wonderful afterlife, full of our deepest desires? How could playing with fate be the right thing to do?

I wondered what it would be like to live in a world that wasn't so black and white. Where the line between right and wrong blurred, where consequences weren't so final.

It was unimaginable.

Bella began moving again, thrashing this time. I debated waking her, but decided against it, another selfish move. A gentleman would wake her, saving her from her nightmare, and hold her while she recovered, consoling her. If I did that, my plan would be ruined.

"Don't do this. Please." She began sleep talking. Normally, I loved the fact that she did this, as it helped me to get a better look into her self conscious, her inner workings. However, the sound of her desperate tone made me want to weep.

Her eyelids fluttered, and I wondered if she was beginning to wake. She thrashed again, and I realized she was fighting against something.

"Stop, you're hurting me! Please! Wait!" The ice cube plunged deeper and deeper into my chest. It was hard to breathe, disconcerting although each breath was unnecessary. Making up my own version of her nightmare, I saw myself in the forest clearing, my secret spot where I had first shared with her my "gifts." She was pinned under me, struggling. I leaned into her, refusing to let go, and put my lips to her neck for a long, sweet moment. Then, in one swift movement, the Edward in the image opened his mouth and sank his teeth into her soft flesh.

A startled yelp caught in my throat, which was blazing in agony. In my vision, she fought against me for another moment before her arms fell limp. The vision Edward paused for a second, looking straight at me with blood red eyes.

Then the real Bella said something that startled me out of the fake world, and into the real nightmare.

"Please! Don't leave me!"

.

Morning took forever to arrive. Time passed slowly after Bella's nightmare. She settled down a bit after her last outburst, and I guessed that the nightmare had ended. Mine, however, had just begun. I spent the rest of the night worrying over what I had done to this poor, defenseless creature. She wasn't worried about death, or changing into a soulless beast. She was worried about me leaving her.

Having gotten in this deep, could I release her by leaving or would it just cause more damage?

I spent hours trying to rationalize that I was doing the right thing. That I was righting the wrong that I had already done. Every time that I would come up with some reasoning that really made sense, another side of me would crumble said logic.

Tormenting myself trying to find the answers that could not be found, I decided that I had already gone this far with my previous verdict, and I should keep following it. It might wound Bella for a short while after I left, but as all humans, she would heal. She would move on and live her life the way she deserves to live it- content, safe and loved.

I had to stop being selfish; spending all this time with Bella, still showing her signs of affection, these things were all going to be detrimental to her. These were my last few days with her, and I was greedily trying to get as much time with her as possible. My actions, however, would not help her hate me the way I wanted her to. They would not help soften the blow, but would enhance it.

The sun rose while I was lost in thought, and Bella finally stirred again. I had spent the rest of the night avoiding looking at her, but as she awoke, I glanced her way. She was so fragile looking. A few rays of morning sunshine shone through the window onto her gorgeous features, giving her an ethereal glow. How had I ever deserved the love of such a creature?

My stomach lurched.

She looked up at me then, and I couldn't stand being in the room any longer. Miserable, but hiding it considerably well, I kissed her forehead as quickly as possible and crawled out her window.

My feet found the ground soundlessly, and I was off.

Home was empty when I reached it. Carlisle was already at work; he had pulled some strings and today was his last day. He has some loose ends to tie up with some patients. The others had already left, as per my request. I couldn't stand having them around, trying to convince me to change my mind.

I took my time getting changed. Reality was sinking in. I would be leaving Forks in three days, along with everything that I existed for. I had a good idea of what I would do, what would keep me believing that I was actually worth something. But how would I do it? Where did I need to go?

How could I live without Bella?

I panicked all the way to school. I had to be strong in front of Bella, but in private, I was a mess, falling apart.

Knowing I couldn't completely avoid her, I waited for Bella as usual. I put an intense amount of effort into holding my face together, wanting to look cold and composed, as if nothing mattered to me. I wanted her to think I was fine. Part of me was very afraid that I was not achieving it.

I opened her door, and asked, "How do you feel?"

She looked ragged, dark circles under her eyes. "Perfect," she lied. She was always horrible at lying. Her shoulders hunched slightly at the bang of the slamming door.

I kept my strides even with her as we silently walked towards our English class. It was the same silence as the car rides from yesterday, uncomfortable, with Bella concentrating on things I could not hear. Frustration ran through me, laced with curiosity, although I ignored it. _I do not want to know what she is thinking_.

The morning session dragged, each second seemed to be slower than the last. While I did not want to rush my time left with Bella, the tension was becoming unbearable. I kept up my façade, sticking to my uninterested behavior. Every once in awhile, however, I couldn't resist checking on her, making sure her arm was not hurting. She would tell it was fine, obviously lying.

Finally, lunchtime arrived. I was actually relieved for the close proximity of Bella's other friends. It would limit her ability to question me without them overhearing.

Alice was not seated at the lunch table when Bella and I entered the cafeteria, as she usually was. This was because last night, when Carlisle informed the rest of my family that we would be departing within three days time, Jasper decided to lave that night. Alice had been torn, wanting to say goodbye to Bella, but could not bear the thought of letting Jasper run off on his own in the state he was in. Together, they had refused to tell us where they were going.

About five minutes into the period, Bella gave into her fears. "Where's Alice?" she asked anxiously.

I had been working a granola bar in my fingers, kneading it until the oats broke down into powder form. I didn't look up from the bar as I answered, "She's with Jasper." I had been avoiding meeting Bella's gaze all day.

"Is he okay?"

"He's gone away for a while."

"What?" "Where?"

I shrugged, truthfully unsure. "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too," she said quietly, her tone edged with despair.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

Denali, Alaska was home to my cousins. A family of vampires that, like the Cullens, followed the "vegetarian" lifestyle. I had gone there last year when Bella first arrived in Forks. I shuddered inwardly at the remembrance of my conflicted state in Alaska, how I wanted so badly to kill her and yet also to protect her. I had thought that I was getting over that phase until last night.

She moved, and I risked a quick glance in her direction. She had slumped forward, her head bowed. Her face was full of misery; she was clearly on the brink of crying.

I had a feeling it had something to do with her feeling guilty, but to make sure it was not her injury, I asked, "Is your arm bothering you?"

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" She barely muttered it, disgusted at herself.

I wanted more than anything to take her in my arms, to comfort her, tell her it wasn't her fault. I wanted to remind her of how amazing she was and how, in my eyes, a better, more beautiful being could never exist. Instead, I bit my tongue, and offered nothing.

She put her head down onto the lunch table.

The rest of the day went just as slowly as before. The strain between Bella and I was overpowering. I would not allow myself to break the silence, knowing she would give in first.

She didn't fail me. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked as we walked to her truck.

"Later?" I cringed inwardly as I couldn't keep the surprise out of my voice. I normally went to her house right after school. Was she falling for my fake attitude? Did she not want to be around me as much as before?

"I have to work," she said, slight mirth behind her eyes, probably at the tiny bit of emotion that had finally struck my voice. "I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh." It was all I allowed out, as I didn't want to give anything else away.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Her tone suggested pleading.

"If you want me to." I said it for her behalf, so she would know she could say no.

This time, she did disappoint. "I always want you," she replied, full of intensity and longing.

I had thought my plan was working, but I was very wrong. I cursed silently, but outwardly indifferent, said, "All right, then."

I kissed her forehead again, a formal gesture, and shut her door. Turning, I took strides that were probably a little too long on my way to the Volvo.

I was able to drive onto the freeway before my breathing began to quicken. Even though I didn't need the breath in the first place, no matter how hard I took them, I couldn't find enough air. Chest heaving, I steered the car off the road and found a small clearing in the trees nearby. My stomach dropped to a place I didn't know possible, creating a nauseating sensation. I couldn't stand going through with this, being unemotional towards Bella, trying to make her think I was a bastard.

Shaking, my shoulders began to rack up and down. I realized that I was sobbing, or the vampire equivalent, for the first time in over ninety years. It stunned me. Bella had awakened so many facets to my being. She had helped me to love unlike anything I had ever experienced before, just as it was because of her that I was weeping. I was ridding myself of the person who made me the closest to humanity as possible.

_You're doing it for her own good, Edward,_ I told myself, trying to calm down.

The pain swelled over me in thrashing waves. I was drowning.

I fought to get back to the surface. My plan would never work unless I could stay composed, and it needed to work, for Bella's sake.

Searching for something to take my mind off of my despair, something vivid red flashed before my eyes- Victoria, one of the vampire nomads we had met in the baseball clearing a half a year ago. Her mate, James, had gotten a bite out of Bella before my family and I stepped in and killed him. I was able to save Bella from our cursed fate.

There is a pretty common occurrence that happens when a vampire is murdered. Said vampire's mate must avenge their demise. It is if we are programmed this way, the urge for revenge outweighing anything else. Victoria would now be searching for us, for the kill. This would be fine with me, now that I could not stay with Bella, if Victoria was coming to kill me as I had off-ed James.

I had a feeling, however, that Victoria was not one to completely follow the rules. James had been very cunning and clever while tracking Bella down. I assumed that this Victoria must be something more than normal.

Not wanting to take any chances, I had my quest once I left Bella- to find and kill Victoria before she could do that same thing to anyone I loved, especially Bella.

The imagery of Victoria hunting after Bella made me shudder. The movement opened my senses a bit, and I realized that thought of Victoria had done it's job. I had unconsciously started driving again, distracted but functioning. I pulled into our driveway, not knowing what to do with myself.

I decided on hours of mindless television viewing.

After four hours of infomercials, I wondered if I could still form coherent thoughts. Luckily, it was time for Bella to return home from work. Being around Bella with the knowledge of what was to come was complete torture, but was at least stimulating.

As I pulled in front of Bella's house, I formulated a plan. She wasn't home from Newton's yet. The cruiser, however, was parked in the driveway, meaning that Charlie was inside lounging in front of whatever sports game was on at present moment. It was time for me to do something I never thought I would- bond with Charlie.

At the front door, I waited patiently, listening in Charlie's broken thoughts for a hint of a commercial. After a minute or two the signal came, and I knocked lightly on the door. Knowing that I would be the face on the other side of the door, Charlie got up begrudgingly and swung the door open without a word.

My normal response to Charlie's inattentiveness would be to ignore it, and focus on waiting for Bella, with perhaps a pleasantry thrown in here or there. Today, however, was different.

Charlie took a detour towards the kitchen, and I followed.

"Redskins versus Cowboys, huh?" I asked Charlie as he opened a cardboard pizza box, revealing the cold, greasy pizza. He offered me a slice by silently pointing the piece he had already taken at the box while simultaneously taking a bite. It was a strangely graceful maneuver.

I tried not to grimace in disgust as I ripped off the smallest slice and touched it to my mouth. The extremely chewy texture and cardboard taste nauseated me, but I forced the pizza down, trying to enhance my normalness.

"I didn't take you for the football watching kind of guy." He cocked an eyebrow at me.

Charlie was obviously the influence in Bella's keen observation skills. The man hardly ever missed a beat- when he really wanted to pay attention. His distaste for me had caused him to watch me constantly, waiting for something that he could use against me.

"It's a secret I seldom ever reveal." This wasn't completely a lie, I did enjoy watching sports from time to time with Emmett, if only to make fun of the weak players, who would never even make it through five minutes of Cullen Baseball.

We made our way to the living room, having finished our slices, and Charlie flashed a look at me, tinged with skepticism, curiosity and ridicule. His thoughts told me that he found what I had just said was a little too mature and articulated for a normal teenage boy, but also that he wanted to find out more about my newfound obsession with sports. I sat in the blue plaid flannel armchair, while he slumped onto the adjacent faded gray couch, propping his feet, still encased in his scuffed tan work boots, onto the worn coffee table

Faintly, Bella's truck engine roared into earshot a few blocks away. She would be home in a few minutes.

"Favorite team?" Charlie gave in to his curiosity begrudgingly.

"Well, I used to follow the Steelers, but since we moved here, I have become a big Seahawks fan. Nothing beats the thrill of cheering on the home team!" I hoped I wasn't overdoing the enthusiasm. Listening to Charlie's surprised thoughts, it was an answer he had not expected and clearly approved of. The Seahawks were Charlie's favorite team, as I had already known. Instantly, statistics about the team flooded his brain.

I jumped at the chance to win him over. "I don't know what was wrong with those referees at the Superbowl last year, but I think they were legally blind. The way they gave the Steelers the advantage! I couldn't believe what I was seeing, how there was so much cheating going on in such a publicized game! And Herndon with that amazing seventy-five yard return, all for nothing! It was really sad, actually, to watch them swindle the win. At least we bounced back this year- but it doesn't look so good with Alexander on the DL. I hope we can get back in the game against the Bears next week."

It was unfair, really, of me to use Charlie's own thoughts to deceive him, but a man has to do what a man has to do.

Charlie smiled slightly at me, proud yet his eyes still displayed a constant wariness. The game came back on and his attention snapped back to the television screen. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

Bella burst in through the front door. "Dad? Edward?"

I heard the irregular pattern of footsteps that occurs when she trips over her own feet, and smiled despite myself quickly, forcing myself to drop the expression as soon as it had occurred.

"In here," Charlie called to her.

I kept my focus trained on the moving images coming from the small black box as she entered the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the dancing lights from the television set reflecting off of her exquisite face, which, upon seeing me, had first grown exuberant, but quickly fell into a nervous gaze, her top front teeth working her bottom lip. Words could not describe her beauty when she was distressed.

"Hi." She sounded dejected already.

"Hey Bella," Charlie answered her. "We just ate cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."

"Okay." Her response was reluctant and expectant, and she waited in the doorway for me to acknowledge her. She was unused to this kind of behavior from me- she had always been the center of my attention- and it told her that something was wrong.

After a few beats, I turned to her, hoping that my face held the polite smile I was trying for instead of the crushing guilt that I felt.

"I'll be right behind you."

A current ran through my body when I looked up into her wide, sad eyes. I turned back to the television, the images now a mixture of incomprehensible blurs, and I didn't try to focus on them. When she turned and left for the kitchen, I stayed where I was. If I followed, I would try to console her, something I just shouldn't do.

"I guess I'll take the Redskins as a second team, though. They're all right enough." My heart wasn't into the sports banter anymore, and I wasn't trying hard enough.

"The Redskins are not having a great year, I can tell you that much. I think it was a mistake that they gave up their first round trade this year to get Campbell last year. My personal second is the Giants. Those boys are the destined underdogs. It will happen for them, someday."

"Mhmm…" I nodded in agreement, demanding myself to pay attention.

"I tell you, though, I'll take anything over those pompous Cowboy players. Did you see the interview they did with that Romo character? Boy throws the ball right into the other teams hands like a rookie but talks like a dirty pirate."

"Horrible," I said softly, distracted, longing for interaction with Bella. My gaze was still set upon the television, so Charlie took it that I was engrossed in the game. He too, turned all of his attention back to the set.

I sat there, eyes unfocused; thinking only of what Bella was doing in the other room. Simultaneously cursing and praising my inability to hear her thoughts, I felt rather silly and immature, but couldn't help myself, nonetheless.

I don't know how long Charlie and I sat there, not talking; he, engrossed in the football game, I, scouring the house for sounds of what Bella was doing. I heard her scurry up the stairs at one point. What was she doing? She clearly understood that I was not the same Edward from a couple days ago- that something had changed in my demeanor. I could see it in her deep, expressive eyes. Eyes that I knew would haunt me forever.

She tried to pad silently back down the stairs, but of course, I heard her. Creeping towards the living room, she reached around the doorjamb and snapped a photograph. Out of sheer knee-jerk reaction, I looked in her direction, as did Charlie. I silently thanked my ability for control, keeping my face impassive when all I wanted to do was smile at her presence. A soothing relief had intermixed with my depression and fear as soon as she had entered the room, as it always did. She somehow had that effect on me.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie demanded, a slight whine in his voice.

"Oh come on," she tried half-heartedly to tease him. Crossing in front of me, she sat on the floor in front of Charlie, her back resting on the sofa. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt." Half of her mouth twisted up into a crooked smirk, an expression I had seen many times before in the mirror. It is such an amazing phenomenon, how quickly mates pick up each other's quirks.

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" Charlie mumbled, peeved.

"Because you're so handsome." As she said it, the amusement in her smirk reached her eyes for one quick second, and then they flattened again, reflecting the deadening feeling in my stomach. She tried to keep up the mirth, "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

He grumbled some expletives, not knowing that they were just audible enough that I could hear.

"Hey, Edward," she addressed me without a trace of emotion, again, mirroring my actions, "take one of me and my dad together."

Without looking at me, she tossed the camera in my direction, knowing that I would catch it wherever it went. She went to kneel next to Charlie, who sighed, put off, but smiled despite himself. Bella's expression remained constrained, her eyes dark.

"You need to smile, Bella." More than anything, I wanted to see her smile. _Control, Edward._

Her face twisted into a grimace and she bared her teeth. It wasn't a smile, but it was close enough.

The flash lit the room like lightning, a pertinent symbol for the brewing storm in our relationship. The relief of Bella's entrance had worn off, worry flooding over me again. Why was she suddenly so intent upon taking pictures of her life? She had wanted nothing to do with the camera and scrapbook when she had first received them, as they were objects that brought attention to her. If she had really discovered what I was planning to do, she certainly would not have wasted time trying to create memories for when I was gone, she would have focused on trying to keep me here. She must have miscalculated, decided I was preparing for something else, but what?

"Let me take one of just you kids," Charlie said, trying to get the camera off of him.

My mind still trying to decipher Bella, I stood and tossed the camera gently to Charlie.

Bella wound her way around the coffee table to my side. I placed my arm lightly on her shoulders, barely touching her. It was a formal gesture- before, even in front of Charlie, our touches had always been easy, comforting, and full of love.

She squeezed her arm around my waist, trying for the familiarity that wasn't there. The moment I felt her arm around me, something clicked in my brain. She was not recording memories of me for when I was gone, but recording memories of her life here in Forks, for when _we_ were gone. That was why she had gone straight for Charlie first, and why she was aiming to reassure me instead of convincing me to stay.

It was better than her knowing the truth, but not by much. My leaving would still destroy her when the time came.

There was nothing I could do.

"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded her again. She breathed deeply and the flash burnt my retinas.

I welcomed the pain. I deserved worse.

Charlie placed the camera in between the couch cushions and rolled over to cover it. "Enough pictures for tonight. You don't have to use the whole roll now." He settled in, thoughts back on the game.

I brought my arm back down to my side and casually twisted out of Bella's grasp, trying not to be overtly rude. I had to sit, to think, to be away from Bella.

Unable to force myself to leave, I rationalized that it would make things worse if I up and left, unexpectedly. Bella would not react well to that, it would reopen her curiosity, and she might find out the truth. Her current scenario was wrong, but at least she had hope. Although, I wondered, would that be worse?

She sat back down as well, in the spot on the floor in front of her father, shaking like a leaf, but trying to hide it. She kept her sights upon the television set, unfocused, and the crease in between her eyes seemed to deepen with every silent moment.

The game dragged into overtime, and I thought I might implode. The more I stayed in the room with Bella, the more I worried, became conflicted, and the deeper I fell into despair. Right and wrong surfaced again, and this time, I visualized them as little people, their twisted bodies taunting me, dancing seductively in front of my eyes. The little men watched every option I explored, everything I had already scoured over and over again, mocking me at my stupidity.

Finally, the game ended. I stood; this was my chance to exit, to find a brief reprieve before I ruined the precious girl sitting on the floor in front of me.

"I'd better get home."

"See ya," Charlie replied without looking away from the commercial about an innovative new hunting gear line.

Bella rose awkwardly, stiff from forcing her muscles to be still for so long. I kept my pace a little slower than normal so that I could catch her in case she fell as she followed me out the door, her usual clumsiness enhanced by the rigidity of her body.

When we arrived at my car, she asked, "Will you stay?" although she already knew the answer.

"Not tonight." I kept my answer short and to the point, perhaps a little curt. It was time to enhance the plan, try for more hatred from her. Plus, I didn't want to leave any room open for a discussion on the matter.

I climbed gracefully into the Volvo without a goodbye, acting as frigid as I felt. I would have barely noticed the rain except for the fact that I looked into my rearview mirror as I pulled away, catching a glimpse of the rain dripping off her dark figure. Her face was half lit, a stunning painting of dark and light, shocked and desperate, creased with worry and full of love and pity.

I barely made it around the corner before the now familiar agony slam into me. Determined to hold it off, I slammed my foot onto the gas, willing myself home.

I made it to the driveway before I became too nauseated to continue. The pizza I had ingested earlier was making its way back to the surface. Quickly, I stopped the car and ran into the forest, where I became violently ill. The sickness came upon me in rhythm with the crushing pain and despair, a melancholy melody of misery.

When I had released everything that I could, I realized for the first time since Bella's birthday the thirst that scratched and burned at the back of my throat. Long overdue for a hunting trip, I was growing physically weaker by the day. It didn't matter, I wasn't in the mood for hunting, nor did I have the ability to leave now. I would wait until after I had left Forks for good.

Again, I faced the dilemma of what to do until morning came. Catching a glimpse of the piano, I decided to try playing. Music was always good at giving me a release.

I sat down on the piano bench, lifting the lid gently and sliding it back to reveal the keys, the ebony and ivory shined in the faint moonlight.

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself, my hands lifted in position just above the keys, waiting for the inspiration to hit me. After a moment, nothing had come.

I released my muscles, relaxing for a moment, and tried another tactic. Extending my right index finger, I tapped at the keys, following a random pattern, trying to find something that lit a spark for more. My finger trailed up a minor scale, landing on the middle C, and I absentmindedly realized I was playing that note over and over again. I stopped, sighed, and resettled myself onto the bench, shaking my head back and forth to clear my mind.

Once again, I tensed myself over the keys, ready to attack, but all thoughts remained on Bella, my distraction causing my fingers to not know where to start.

Frustrated, I banged down on the keys, the resulting noise deafening. In one swift movement, I slammed the cover shut and swung my body around on the bench so that I no longer faced the piano.

Irritated, chin in hand; I searched for an idea of something to occupy my time. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I raced up the stairs towards my room, impatient to blast out the thoughts that had plagued me for the past few days.

I opened the door to my room and lunged for the noise cancellation headphones that were wirelessly synched to the stereo system. Once they were in place over my ears, I cranked the stereo on at full volume, hoping that I had left something more aggressive in since the last time I had used it.

Instead the dulcet tones of Debussy's Clair de Lune met my eardrums. I was torn- the song had an instant calming effect, but reminded me of Bella in every way. We both shared an affinity for the tune, as I remembered from one of our first car rides together.

After a few moments, I decided to give into the classical music. Knowing that I would lose the battle of trying to keep Bella out of my thoughts tonight, I might as well embrace the good memories, the ones that brought me warmth. I settled onto the black leather couch, longer for and loathing the dawn that would come in a few hours time.

Fourteen classical scores later, I was on the brink of being late for school.

Bella and I met at school as usual, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything to her, and kept my eyes consistently averted, knowing that one small slip would ruin my resolve. I had spent most of the night mentally preparing for the task at hand. Emotionally, I would never be ready, so instead, I had worked to shut everything off.

I did, however, spend the day taking mental notes of everything I could. I wanted every exact memory of a normal day with Bella. I wanted to remember what it felt like to hear her sweet voice, to see the way she interacting with the people around her, to feel the electricity when I stood near her. Probably not my smartest move, but one I felt the urgent need to complete, nonetheless.

Bella was clearly distracted, trying to figure me out. Even _Romeo and Juliet_ did nothing for her, and I had to whisper the correct answer for a question to her just so that she did not get into trouble with Mr. Berty. Words pressed at the back of my lips, after that, clawing to get out from behind them. I clamped them shut.

At lunch, Bella took her camera out of her bag, and crossed the division line at our table.

"Hey, Jess?"

"What's up, Bella?"

"Could you do me a favor? My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, ok?"

Jessica's thoughts squealed with excitement, causing my head to pound slightly afterward.

"Sure," she grinned, turning to take a perfect shot of that immature Mike Newton, his mouth full of food.

That shot started a full out war. Childishly, the camera was passed around the table accompanied by complaints, giggles and flirts. Jealousy shot through me like a knife.

"Uh-oh," Jessica turned to Bella, giving her an apologetic look. "I think we used all your film." _And I bet you were too cheap to buy more._

I snarled inwardly at Jessica's nasty thoughts of Bella, although I knew she was just green with envy that she would never be as perfect as Bella was.

"That's ok," Bella replied. "I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed."

After that, conversation between Bella and the others dropped, as she retreated back into herself, concentrating on trying to figure me out.

Bella had work after school, which meant I had a perfectly good reason to not have to endure another night at her house. I walked her to her car in silence.

As she drove out of the parking lot, my breathing sped up. Climbing into the Volvo, I gulped at the air, not giving in. I had to fight it for a little while longer. I could let myself go once Bella knew.

This time, I had a plan to fill my night. I drove, and drove, and drove, headed nowhere in particular but always cognizant of the way back. The hypnosis of the passing scenery as well as the thirst I hadn't quenched in quite some time made me feel loopy. It was the closest I had been in the past two days to happy, but still tinged in numbness. At some point, "Right" and "Wrong" showed up again; this time they pounded at my skull. Whether they were furiously trying to get in, or tell let something out, I did not know.

Again, I worked on closing off my emotions. Tomorrow I needed to be numb if I were to get through this. I had to keep a strong façade for Bella.

I returned home with enough time to change before heading to school to wait for Bella. School was the same as it had been the past two days; I stayed silent, my senses trained on her every move but never taking a direct glimpse in her direction.

As we completed more and more classes for the day, the more I began to panic. This was it- our last day together, ever.

All too soon, the final bell rang. As I walked Bella to her truck, I steeled myself, blurting out, "Do you mind if I come over today?" before I could stop myself. It still sounded surprisingly smooth.

"Of course not," she replied.

"Now?" I opened her door, a slight urgency to my tone. I wanted her to understand the importance.

"Sure," she sounded calm, looked a bit skeptical. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

Spying the envelope on the seat next to her, I deducted that it was too fat to hold just a letter. She must have gotten the film from her camera developed, and was sending a set off to her mother for review.

Without thinking, I snatched the envelope up from the seat. I couldn't let her send those pictures; photographs that encompassed her world that included me, a constant reminder of the monster who broke her.

"I'll do it," trying to smile to lighten the urgency and avoid her becoming suspicious. "And I'll still beat you there."

"Okay." She had agreed, but her face remained serious. I shut her door and headed off to do my bidding.

Feeling guilty that I had lied to her, I sped towards her house, taking a back route that she did not know of. I focused on making my breathing steady, as the big gulping breaths had returned. Having not experienced anything like this as a vampire, I wondered if it was a reaction unlocked from my human days. As a vampire, stress was usually met with solidity- rigid, frozen behavior, or with intense anger. As weird and painful as the gasping was, I had welcomed it, gotten used to it, and was now even trying to control it.

Parking in the driveway, I mustered whatever strength I had left, and sped as quickly as I could up to Bella's room, and stopped short once I reached the CD player on her nightstand. Flipping the lid, I pulled out the CD that I had made for her birthday and put in gently on her bed. Next, I opened the scrapbook, and paused for a moment, running my hands over the pictures of Bella and I. Even in despair, no, especially in despair, she was the loveliest specimen on the face of the planet. Next to her, my expression filled with coldness, the monster shown through in me. The difference between the two of us was immense in these photographs alone.

Shaking my head, I carefully took every picture out of the scrapbook, making sure that they would not stick together from the backing. Leaning down to the floor just under the bed, I pulled at one of the floorboards until it gave way. I filled the opening with all of Bella's remnants of me, and then replaced the board.

Knowing that I did not have much more time before Bella would arrive, I flew back downstairs. I had to take precautions for after Bella and I spoke. Quickly finding a pen and some paper, I scribbled down a note for Charlie, easily imitating Bella's penmanship.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B._

Leaving the note on the kitchen table, where I knew Charlie would see it, I headed back out to the Volvo, as if I had never been inside the house while Bella was not there.

Within a minute, she pulled up behind me. I walked over to her truck, reaching to take her book bag so that she could step out. Placing the bag back onto the seat, I readied myself, yet once again. This was it.

"Come for a walk with me." Although the words came out passively, I reached out for her hand.

She let me clasp it, but her steps to follow me were reluctant. I couldn't have that; every moment that passed would lead me closer to not following through. I pulled her into towards the forest that abutted their property, being careful not to tug too hard on her arm, the wound from her birthday still wrapped.

Why I felt the pressing need to have this conversation in the forest, I wasn't quite sure. The forest was a dangerous place for her, full of hiding spots for deadly creatures waiting to pounce. I guessed the danger would enhance the severity of the situation.

We had only stepped a few paces into the forest before I stopped, unable to wait any longer. I could still see the house through the branches, a good sign; I wanted it to be easy for Bella to return home when we were finished.

I released her, leaning against a nearby tree in a trance. Numbness completely easily took over my body. I surprised myself with the calm composure I had achieved. It came almost too easily, as if someone else had taken over my mind and body. I guessed I was going into shock.

She looked at me bravely. "Okay, let's talk."

Her beauty made me lose all speech for a moment. I took a deep, controlling breath.

"Bella, we're leaving." I knew I was being cryptic, but I couldn't force the proper words out. _Bella, I'm leaving you._

Her glare relaxed in relief, then narrowed slightly as she asked, "Why now? Another year – "

"Bella, it's time," I cut her off before her soft persuasive tone could convince me of things. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon, regardless."

As I spoke, my frigid tone formed a cocoon around me, encasing me in ice. I was shut off from her warmth, falling further and further away from her.

She stared back at me in confusion. Suddenly, her eyes widened, the gears clicking into place, and then she closed them briefly, turning green.

She finally understood. "When you say _we_-" The words barely escaped her lips.

"I mean my family and myself." I said it pointedly, articulate and aloof. She must absolutely detest me; it would be her savior.

She shook her head, obviously not wanting to hear what I had to say. Her eyes opened abruptly, and the passionate desperation that shone in them threatened to melt my icy shell.

"Okay, I'll come with you." Although it was a statement, she was clearly pleading.

_No, Bella, no, don't do this please,_ I screamed on the inside._ Hate me, yell at me, tell me to go do unpleasant things to myself. It's the only way._

"You can't, Bella," I sounded elite but felt like scum. "Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous." Her common response, I had heard it many times before, but believed it less and less with each time. "You are the very best part of my life."

Her words were laced with so many emotions, love, fear, despair, stubbornness, and determination.

"My world is not for you." My voice suggested only finality.

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" The way she said my name made it echo in my head, throbbing every time it rang.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." I let my self-anger mangle the words as I spoke the truth.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you," I finished for her.

"_No! _This is about my soul, isn't it?" She was furious, and losing control, but still begging. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"

I felt myself falling apart. Taking a deep breath to try to steady myself, I stared at the ground. I thought about how this poor, defenseless angel had fallen under my spell, the death lure I emitted without a choice. Something within me snapped, the utter rage that I felt over what I had become coursing through my every fiber. I felt my mouth twist sinisterly; the ice cube in my chest became a boulder, taking me over. It was time for a different tactic.

I looked up at her, knowing that she would see me for what I really was now. Her shocked expression held traces of a different kind of fear then before. This was a primal fear.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." The words came out calculated; glacial.

She paused for a second, taking it all in.

"You… don't… want me?" She choked the words out, confused. It was exactly what I wanted… wasn't it?

"No."

She stared blankly at me, clearly in shock. I stared right back, not giving an inch.

She was searching for something to show her that I didn't mean it, that I still loved her.

"Well, that changes things." She obviously hadn't found what she was looking for. Her voice had changed, unreasonably calm.

I should have been happy that she had conceded, but something within me cried out, pained. Did she really not know that I truly loved her? Was it that easy for her to think that I was so cruel? Was she able to turn her feelings for me off that quickly?

I looked away, my gaze unseeing, needing to rationalize for her. "Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." These words were wrong; I was tired of _not_ being human. I looked at her again, my self-loathing helping me keep my frigidity. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't." It was a whisper, but it stung like a slap. "Don't do this."

Continuing to stare, I willed her to see it was too late. It was done.

Her eyes still held too much pity for me- I aimed for more hate. "You're not good for me, Bella," I lied. She was the best thing that had and would ever have happened to me. She was my light in a dark and sinister world. She was my savior, pulling me back from the depths of hell.

She opened her mouth then closed it again. The numbness allowed me to wait patiently, not wanting to know her thoughts.

This time, she managed, "If… that's what you want."

_NO!_ My thoughts screamed. _NO! Back down! Tell her you love her, that it was all a mistake! Do something, anything, but don't leave!_

Outwardly, I forced myself to nod.

Her body dipped slightly, as if she had lost her balance. Fighting the urge to rush forward to spot her, something urgent hit me.

"I would like to ask one favor, thought, if that's not too much."

How could I break this girl's heart and then ask for something in return? She should slap me, spit at me, anything. Instead, her face shone with devotion.

I lost myself for a moment so quick she must not have realized it.

"Anything," she promised without hesitation. She blew my mind.

The pure love behind her promise melted the ice within me. For one moment, I let my passion get the better of me, wanting her to listen to my request more than anything else. She needed to follow this order for me, or else this all would be for naught. I had promised that I would never destroy her, and I would not have her ruin herself.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Wordlessly, she nodded, overwhelmed by my sudden outburst of emotion.

The ice became solid again, freezing me with it. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him." She owed me nothing.

Again, she nodded. "I will."

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me." I relaxed slightly at the words, knowing it was the truth. I would no longer put her in danger. She was free to live a normal, healthy life. "I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

The throbbing in my head was back, and thirst had begun to take over my throat. I was getting weaker by the second, the emotional strain draining my energy. I felt slightly dizzy, a strange and unusual circumstance for me.

I pushed on, though, trying to reassure her. "Don't worry," I said with a small ironic smile. "You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." The thought horrified and satisfied me.

"And your memories?" She was still more worried about me than herself- the most selfless being on Earth. She choked, letting out a few dry sobs.

"Well," I looked for words that would not be too harsh. She was breaking, and I had already done enough damage. "I won't forget. But _my _kind… we're very easily distracted." Another ironic smile escaped my lips.

It was time to finish the conversation. I took one step away, trying to give her a hint.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

Realization flashed in her eyes. I was surprised, I thought she would have figured it out already.

"Alice isn't coming back," she mouthed, unable to say the words.

I shook my head, confirming her belief. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" She repeated it like a child unable to understand about a relative's disappearance in death.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

Her breathing was growing more and more jagged by the second. I couldn't stand to see her being destroyed, especially when I was the one doing it.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said, my voice strangely peaceful.

"Wait!" she reached for me, choking again.

I took her wrists, locking her arms at her sides. Leaning forward, I pressed my cold lips lightly to her forehead, feeling her warmth for the last time.

When I leaned back, I realized she had closed her eyes again.

"Take care of yourself," the words barely came out in breaths, as I was unable to hold my voice steady.

I wanted to stay until she opened her eyes, needing one more glimpse into her soul. Aware the threatening waves, however, I was crumbling fast.

I ran as hard as I could, willing her not to try to follow me.

The screaming resurrected in my brain, the throbbing pain hindering my concentration. A couple times I ran straight into tree branches I would have easily avoided in other situations. It didn't matter; I outwardly felt nothing.

Despair, pain, grief, guilt, anger, frustration; they crashed upon me like waves on the shore, beating at me. Again, I was drowning, but this time, I did not fight it. There was no point to my existence now.

I ran further, my only purpose to get far away from her. Trying to recognize my surroundings, I had no idea of where I was, or where I was going. The more I searched for coherent thoughts, the more my mind went blank.

Around me, the trees started spinning mercilessly. I was falling into oblivion; voices screaming at me in words I didn't understand.

My body no longer allowed me to run. Stumbling, I somehow knew that I had to keep going.

My throat was searing unbearably. I distantly remembered having this kind of pain before, but couldn't quire remember why. Placing one hand against my throat, I tried desperately to understand the pain through the deafening noise.

Confusion played with my mind. I stumbled first this way, than that, unsure of what I was doing. I grabbed for a nearby tree, missing, and fell to my knees.

It was over. Gulping in pockets of air, the hyperventilation began. I was covered in gallons upon gallons of liquid emotions. They flooded into me.

"Right" and "wrong," my old pals, had shown up to help me. _Please, _my thoughts begged, _please bring me to the surface._

They smiled at me brilliantly, and for one moment, I saw her again.

Suddenly, they pounced, ripping and tearing at me.

Agony. All was lost.

I slumped over, my body motionless.

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* * *

I own nothing... the character, the plot, most of the dialogue, all Stephenie Meyers.

Ok, can I tell you guys just how hard that this is getting for me? I have total and utmost respect for writers, man. I am loving the challenge, however, as I get more and more freedom. Please, please, review, let me know your thoughts. I want to know if you all are relating to my version of Edward.

This chapter was really intense, and I have a feeling the upcoming stuff will be too. I am trying as hard as possible to get everything up on time, but please don't hate me if I need a little extension, with the holidays and everything.

Thanks to all my readers, and remember- if you like what you read, please tell your friends about Meteor!

PS- I'm having trouble with line spaces where I want them, so please ignore the . It is just to fill the gap. Thank you!

PPS- I've decided to make a small playlist for each chapter for Meteor- things that I listen to that help me write, ala Stephenie Meyer. Actually, most are probably copies of what she has already posted on playlists, but what the hay, here goes. (I backlogged the other chapters, so heres the soundtrack for The End:)

The End- The Downeaster "Alexa"- Billy Joel

Trouble In Here- Howie Day

Edward's Outer Thoughts- Stockholm Syndrome- Muse

Edward's Inner Thoughts- Falling Away With You- Muse

Hate Me- Blue October

Decode- Paramore


	5. October

October


	6. November

November


	7. December

December


	8. January

January

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Soundtrack- Your Star- Evanescence


	9. Waking Up

4. Waking up

As one who can live forever, time was never something that was focused upon, an unspoken, unfelt happening that passes without ever changing its pattern- years seem like minutes, minutes, like seconds, and seconds are indistinguishable. But for me, all forward movement had stopped, like the un-beating rhythm of a dead heart.

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_B… Bella? Is that you?_

I could swear I had just heard her voice. Was she here? Had she found me?

I felt a smile creep over my face, elated to be able to see her. I tried to open my eyes, but it was as if a force keeping them shut. Bright, painful light shown in through my eyelids. Where was I?

An explanation jumped to my mind right away, but it was so absurd that I pushed it away.

It was unreasonably cold, and I shivered a bit. A strong breeze blew on my face, waking me up more and more.

Finally, I found enough strength to open a slit in between my eyelids. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the brilliant light just enough so that I could see the outline of a woman standing over me. It had to be Bella. She had been singing- what was it about? I couldn't remember. The same thought as before sprung back again, as it was the only justification as to how we could be together.

Carlisle must have been right, and I was in heaven.

I blinked a couple times, wanting a better view of her. As I did this, I started to feel the pair of strong arms that held me from underneath. I was being carried.

My vision started to clear, and I realized that something was wrong. Bella did not have blonde hair; her skin was pale but not that pale…

Although she was not Bella, I felt for some reason that I knew the woman. There was a kind of familiarity about her that told me that I should not be afraid of her. She had lifted me while my body was still cramped the fetal position, and was taking me somewhere at an excessive speed, which explained the breeze.

Disappointed and weak, I started racking my brain to try to remember something- anything. Had I been in an accident? How long had I been out for? Was Bella okay? Who was this woman?

Trying to move my body, I found it was frozen, unable to leave from the position I was in. Uncomfortable and achy, I fought against myself, desperate for some reaction.

Finally, I managed a twitch from the thumb of my right hand, which had been seized up into a fist. The thumb brushed against the woman's arm ever so slightly, something that should have gone unnoticed.

The woman turned her face down to look at me, shocked.

"Oh! Edward, you're conscious! You gave me such a fright, you know. I'm so glad you're up- we have to get you hunting. You've pushed your limit way to far."

As her topaz eyes stared intently into mine, lovingly concerned, my stomach gave a sudden lurch. I gasped loudly, the memories flooding back to me in severe waves.

The woman who was carrying me was named Tanya and was a member of the Denali Clan. She was a vampire, as was I.

I was being carried because I had collapsed into a coma, or the vampire equivalent.

I had collapsed because of a mixture of things. For one, I was weak from not having hunted in too long of a time period. The other reason was much more dire. I had left Bella, my love, my existence; she, no doubt, now loathed me. I had acted so cold, so calculating.

I would never see her again.

With the weight bearing down on me again, crushing my insides, I heard myself start to whimper in anguish. There was no stopping it; I was slipping into oblivion again.

The more I pushed and kicked for the surface, the more agonizing and frustrating things became. Somehow, I noticed that Tanya had completely stopped in a split second, and was gaping at me, still in her arms, her mouth wide open in a silent yell. I could hear her thoughts; they seemed to be screaming although they were very faint to me, trying to figure out what to do. She wanted to help, but there was no obvious outside infliction of this pain.

It was then that I finally felt the blazing agony on the inside of my throat, a thirst like I had never felt before, not even when I had first changed. It felt as though someone held a blowtorch to my throat, cutting at my hard metal skin in order to detach my head.

An excruciating wail escaped my lips as darkness consumed me again.

It was exactly as before, a never-ending cycle. My body had locked me within myself, unable to move and inch or make a sound, the vampire defensive mechanism multiplied hundredfold by the severity of the multi-layered anguish.

Unable to escape the barrage of emotional bullets, images all too familiar began to flash in front of my eyes. I had seen these images during my last stint as my own prisoner.

I saw Bella, broken, in a dark corner of a mirrored room, James sinking his teeth into her pale, silky skin. I saw Bella screaming and writhing in pain as the venom started to spread, and then I saw her hooked up to machines and IVs in the hospital afterwards. Bella's face wrought with fear as she lay in the shattered glass on her birthday, her arm gushing sweet, irresistible blood; her wide eyes reflecting six hungry vampires.

I saw Bella detaching herself from those around her as I became more frigid. Bella, desperate, taking sharp, broken sobs as I tore her heart out, making a mockery of every moment we had spent together. Bella's deep brown eyes, passionate and full of despair, as I made her promise to stay safe.

I saw Bella at Forks High, laughing with her friends, her heart healing with time. Bella finally giving into a date with Mike Newton, and really enjoying herself. Bella sharing loving glances with him at their wedding, when they had their first child, when they grew old together.

I don't know which set made me agonize more. Jealousy, adoration, love, anger, and pain mixed with other emotions I could not identify but knew were there to become my own personal Molotov cocktail. On top of all that, I felt amazed that this creature could create such a reaction in a normally unfeeling fiend. Vampires were made to kill, not to love. Somehow, however, Bella had changed me, releasing me from the villainous inner workings, replacing them with the human traits I had left behind. For a fragile mortal, she had powers beyond anything I had ever known.

Masochistically curious, I searched my subconscious for more pictures of Bella. I wanted to reach out and touch her, to feel the warmth she spread over me. She flashed in front of me, time ticking away at warp speed, and she changed rapidly through the seasons of her life.

When wrinkles had taken over her face she turned, and although she was barely recognizable as the girl I loved, her eyes were still the same, deep and full of meaning and knowledge.

"Edward," she addressed me, her voice scolding, the crease caught in the wrinkles in the space above her eyes. "Wake up, Edward. You're not being fair to your family. They miss you. They're scared for you. You're being selfish."

Then, the bright light started to appear again, behind the Bella in my vision, washing her out as it became brighter. Anguish turned to panic- she could not leave me. I needed her.

I knew she was right, though. I didn't know how long it had been since I had last spoken to my family. Surely by now they were searching for me.

The old lady Bella faded, and then disappeared as the light started to blind me again.

Something warm and salty slid down my throat, a viscous liquid with a taste that only blood could have. It was blood from a caribou; not the best thing I'd ever tasted but still sated my thirst. For the first time in how long, I couldn't remember, the intense heat that scratched my throat calmed, the fire quenched.

Warmth spread out from deep within me as the blood quickly digested, returning some of my strength. It wasn't the happy kind of warmth I wanted, but the kind that suggested necessity.

Slowly, the light became less blinding and the throbbing in my head dulled, allowing me to think more clearly. My body ached, both physically and in need for Bella.

Looking up, I realized that Tanya was still holding me, although this time, I was on the ground, and she was kneeling next to me. She held a shiny steel cup full of the caribou blood and was pouring some down my throat every few minutes, being careful not to make me choke. The concern that shown in her face was heartbreaking, but it was nothing compared to Bella, missing that cute little pucker between her eyes and the way she subconsciously bit her plump bottom lip. Tanya's golden eyes, while beautiful in hue, held a hardened quality that Bella's deep chocolate eyes would never portray.

"Hi." My voice was scratchy and I didn't know what else to say.

She gasped, briefly frightened, then her eyes narrowed into angry slits.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, how dare you pull this?! You had us all at our wits end, searching the ends of the earth for you. This is something that none of us have ever seen the likes of, not even Carlisle! Poor Carlisle, he was afraid he had lost you. I told him, of course, that there was only one way to kill a vampire, and this definitely was not it, but he was convinced." She said it all in a blur, faster than I had ever experienced someone speak, and in my still somewhat dazed state, I understood bits and pieced the rest together.

Her face then flashed relief, and then screwed up into something that can only be described as painfully beautiful. Looking to the side while bringing a hand to her face, she cried dryly for a moment, and then, taking a huge breath, steadied herself.

"Then, to make matters worse, you wake up for me, and I think you're okay, and then you go into this shrieking fit and pass out again! How can you manage to always toy with a girl's heart so?"

The last sentence she said in a half joking manner. Tanya would never quite get over the fact that I had declined her advances more than once.

"I'm sorry, Tanya." It was all I could reply, and, due to my listless tone, it hardly sounded sincere.

"Yeah, you're sorry. Drink more of this, it seems to be helping you."

I took another swig from the metal container. It felt very strange to be drinking liquid from a cup again and actually not being repulsed by it.

"How long exactly has it been since you last hunted?"

I wondered if my family had told Tanya anything about the real reason for my breakdown.

She must have seen something flash across my visage, because she then added, "Listen, I know what happened. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie came straight to us when they left Forks. I think that they had some idea that the plan would go awry. Alice and Jasper arrived a few days later, once you had dropped off the Earth for a few days. We all split up into teams, looking wherever we could since you wouldn't return any phone calls. But before we split, Carlisle felt that Kate, Irina, Eleazar, Carmen and I all needed to know about what had happened with Bella and your decision to leave her. He felt that whoever got to you first needed to be prepared for the worst.

"And obviously with good reason, since you were letting yourself waste away."

So, Tanya knew about Bella, but I knew that she wouldn't push the topic with me. She would not want to talk about the silly human who had much more of an effect on me than her. Also, I do not think Tanya really grasped the severity of the situation she just found me in. She did not realize the way my body locked down on itself, the amount of torture that I endured, which was equal to, if not less than, the amount I deserved.

"It's been a couple of months," I admitted.

"Well that was dumb of you, Edward. Look at what you did to yourself."

I just shrugged and took another swig of caribou blood.

"Finish that up, everyone is waiting for you back at the house."

I expected on the fact that my family would be there, counted on that, so that I could let them know that I was alright. I needed to let them know what I would do next, and what I needed them to do for me. My vision Bella had helped me to see clearly for the first time in days what my purpose was.

As much as Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper, as well as the Denali Clan, were all my family, Bella was now too, whether I was a part of hers or not. I had a duty to protect my family, and that meant that I would spend as much time as needed hunting down Victoria. My family would have to let me go wherever I needed.

Of course, I would reassure them that this time, I would most certainly just be a phone call away, because Bella had woken me up for good.

"Alright," I said, tilting the cup back for one final swig, "Let's get this show on the road."

Tanya made no effort to check that I could walk or run, and I appreciated her coldness.

Letting her take the lead, we started the journey back to Denali.

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* * *

Playlist-

We Will Become Silhouettes – The Postal Service

Zero- Smashing Pumpkins

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)- Vertical Horizon

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I own nothing, the plot, the characters, most of the dialogue, all Stephenie Meyer's

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Author's Notes: Yeah, so I know, I'm such a bad, bad person for all those blank months, aren't I? I'm sorry that I was torturing you guys, but I wanted to stay true to Stephenie Meyer. Originally, I had the idea that I would do the opposite of Bella, have Edward start coherent and then gradually fade into oblivion, since he and Bella are polar opposites (hence why she becomes an unfeeling zombie whereas he feel EVERYTHING humanly possible) I promise it is all worth it in the long run, and that everything has a meaning and a place. So, as a reward for being awesome fans and sticking with me through my nastiness, I am posting this chapter TWO days early!

PS- I know this chapter is shorter (it also is in New Moon, if you check back and forth). I quite like it this way, and I have also had a crazy week. I'm trying my darndest but with Full time work and full time school, things slip by me. So please, review, let me know opinions, good and bad. Thanks again! Enjoy!

PPS- Stay tuned for the next chapter, which I have a feeling may be as long as the previous chapters and perhaps posted sooner rather than later!


	10. Cheater

5. Cheater

"Edward Cullen, how dare you?"

Upon catching sight of me, Rosalie took immense strides in my direction, her face murderous. I could hear the mirth in Tanya's thoughts next to me, and I braced myself for Rosalie's wrath. Within five steps, she had crossed the front lawn and was seething in front of me.

The sound of the slap caused piles of snow to fall out of the surrounding trees in staggered thuds. My head turned with the force, and although I was not particularly hurt by it, I was pleasantly surprised by the slight tingle that had surfaced after a few seconds.

"How dare you smile at this? Are you crazy? What is the matter with you? What kind of sick, sadistic person tries to kill himself and then smiles about it?"

Hearing Rosalie's inner thoughts, my smirk quickly dropped. Her anger stemmed from jealousy, not from compassion. She did not care that I had been missing, but that I would destroy myself over a silly human while she had no effect over me whatsoever.

"It's really quite sad, Rosalie, that you are so utterly self-centered. I'm doing much better, thank you for asking."

Her face dropped, mouth agape. I brushed past her and into the giant snow-covered house. On the way in, I stumbled slightly, having expended much of the energy that the deer blood had given me. I grabbed a small table in the entryway as I passed it, righting myself. It felt very odd to be so vulnerable.

Inside I found the rest of my family sitting at the dining room table waiting for us. Tanya had called them and told them to reassemble here, informing them of what had happened when she found me.

I did not need my ability to read their thoughts to know how they felt, I could see it on their faces.

"Oh, Edward," Esme was on her feet before I even stepped into the dining room. She wrapped me into her arms in an intensely motherly gesture. I wanted to tell her that everything was all right; that I was okay. But it would have been a lie. I was not okay, and I never would be again.

Instead, releasing my hands from the fists that were rigidly set by my side, I tried to relax a bit and awkwardly pat at her long, dark hair. Normally, the mother/son relationship between Esme and I had been easy and comforting, but the overwhelming grief mixed with the resentment I felt towards myself did not mix well with my love for my family. They reminded me too much of what I was- the reason why I could not be with Bella, causing yet another inner struggle.

Just what I needed at present moment.

Looking past Esme, I caught glimpse of Carlisle, his perfect, pale features fraught with worry, and thunder clapped, clouds of love and hate clashing inside of me. I hated him for what he did to me, resented him for it, but I loved him unconditionally for all he had been to me, for all that he had taught me.

I nodded at Carlisle, and Esme released me.

"Edward, you need to hunt." Carlisle was weary, testing the boundaries while stating necessities. "You've let yourself waste away."

This was exactly what I did not want. A pang of anger poked at my façade, but I controlled it quickly, setting my face to try to make my family understand the finality of my next statement.

"No." I had made a silent oath that I would never hunt again. Hunting symbolized the monster inside of me, the part of me that had ruined everything. I would find nourishment in other ways.

From the shadows of the doorway behind me, Tanya broke in, "Edward, you can't be serious! Do you understand what you were like when I found you? Do you realize what you will be come if you keep that up? Be serious- you're acting like a ch-"

Upon receiving a stern glance from Carlisle, Tanya froze mid-sentence. Carlisle was afraid that Tanya's words would anger me. In reality, and for some odd reason, I was plainly amused.

"Edward," Carlisle tried again, assuring and fatherly, "I am sure that what you just experienced was not pleasant, nor was it necessary. It is time for you to hunt."

"I refuse, Carlisle." I knew that without an explanation into why I was refusing to hunt, my family would not accept my decision. The facts behind the choice, however, would cut them all deeply.

"I know that you miss her, Edward. To be honest, we all do." At that, Rosalie sniffed in slight protest while Alice let out a high-pitched squeak, overwhelmed, and had to run out of the room. Bella had become another sister to Alice, and the separation was taking a toll on her as well. I chose to ignore Rosalie.

"Listen, Bro," Emmett took his turn, "we did what you asked of us. We-" he stole a quick warning glance at Rosalie, "don't resent you for any of it, but you could at least keep yourself healthy in return. For us." He smiled, an oddly complex mixture of mirth and sadness.

I felt myself smirk at Emmett's use of the word "Bro" and, without thinking, strode around the table to pat my brother on the back. "I can keep myself healthy without hunting."

A hint of comprehension flashed briefly in Carlisle's eyes, and he tried another tactic. "If you are to continue in that fashion, without proper intake of blood, your journey into oblivion will get more and more painful. Although you will become to weak to function, your body shriveled until you are unrecognizable, you will never die. After a certain point, the effects would be irreversible."

It was easy to tell he is a doctor.

Although I deserved nothing more than a pitiful existence as a useless pile of mass, his words began to have an effect on me. Thinking of my dream Bella and the words she used to awaken me, I began to really feel guilt brought on by my actions and their effects on my family. The more I faced the agony I deserved, the more I hurt the people I loved. I would not give into the vampire, however, I was sure of that. Surely, there had to be a compromise.

"Can't you help me out, Carlisle? You have contacts everywhere- wouldn't it be possible for me to buy my nourishment from now on?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Edward. There is a shortage of blood in banks now as it is. Do you really think that you would be able to keep that up forever? Of course, you would be changing over to human blood as well, is that what you really want?"

To be honest, I had not really considered that. To me, the blood bank bags had always seemed the most civil way to feed, unnecessary blood given up for a cause- no harm, no foul. I was becoming frustrated, however, at the fact that Carlisle could not understand where I was coming from. How could he expect me to hunt? Rage churned deep inside of me, working into something heavy and solid.

"No, Carlisle, the situation is not ideal for me, is it?" I had not spoken to him in such a rude manner for quite some time, and it felt strangely refreshing, which in turn, disheartened me, and my voice rose as I began to rave. "I can't quite win no matter what I do, can I? Everyday I am disgusted with what I am, wishing for the release that I cannot have. I didn't ask to fall in love with a human. I didn't ask for that wonderful, sweet, beautiful, special girl to love me back." I was back in the ocean of despair, the undertow swiftly wreaking havoc on me, but I continued on. "But the facts are what the facts are. Bella and I are not meant to be together. She has a life ahead of her, and I am among the living dead. I understand what I am, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it."

With that, I swayed, spent, and Jasper, who had been seated next to me, stood as he swooped to catch me. The pain was again unbearable, and I felt my eyes roll back as I heard Esme scream. Again, Bella came to me in visions. I reached out for her, desperate and wanting.

As quick as I had fallen, I was sputtering as something poured into my mouth. As I tasted the salty, metallic blood, I realized why else I was fighting so hard against the hunt. When I was weak, I could see Bella. Really see her, and hear her too, as if she were with me still. If I were healthy, I would only see what was truly in front of me. Vampires never dream. Dreaming is only for those who have hope.

I saw Bella because the joy it brought me caused me great agony, as I would never _really_ feel that joy again. The feeling with the vision was a phony- like a bad copy, fuzzy and scratched, and it gave false hope for something always just out of reach.

Looking back up at my concerned family, I knew I had lost the fight. There would be no excuse for me anymore, they would force me one way or another.

I grabbed the cup of blood out of Tanya's hands, childishly, and downed the rest of it in a long gulp. Reluctantly, Esme handed me another full cup, clearly afraid of another uncharacteristic outburst.

My family stared at me while I drank the second cup. Their thoughts echoed in my brain, all variations on the same theme. I had lost it. They were all convinced.

I finished the second cup and stood, unable to bear their thoughts any longer. I needed fresh air, and I was starting to feel good. I could concede that my family was right- I needed to hunt.

Slinking out the back door without an explanation, I strode quickly down to a nearby cluster of trees. Deer must have been close; their trail was still fresh. I relaxed a little for the first time since, well, a long time, allowing myself to rely on instinct. Crouching, I crept silently down to the bank of the river, making sure there were no deer within eyesight. I leapt over the water, gracefully landing on the other side. Creeping between the trees, I headed deeper into the forest, following the scent of the deer.

Finally, behind a huge pine, stood the prime catch of the group, the alpha male. Although he would put up more of a fight, he was much tastier and held more blood than the others.

The monster calculated, assessing the situation, and suddenly, gave off a horrifying roar. I sprang; the buck swung his head in reaction. Part of his right antler hit square against my outstretched arm and broke off like a twig. The resulting snap echoed off the surroundings, and a group of birds in the nearby trees took flight, squawking angrily. I felt no pain.

The buck started to run, his muscles rippling under his gleaming coat. The grace with which he moved was almost too beautiful to disrupt.

Too quick for him, I jumped onto his back and sunk my teeth into the nape of his neck. He bucked backwards, both in pain and in effort to throw me off. I shot backwards and flew into the trunk of a nearby oak. This male was tougher than I had bargained for.

Snarling viciously, I rounded on him again, this time getting a deeper bite. He was visually slowing, the venom wreaking its havoc on his insides. Having obviously lost his vision, he half-ran straight for a tree. I had to duck underneath him as he slammed into it, breaking off his other antler. He slumped, still trying to flee, but unable to do anything more than trot. His knees began to buckle, and he dropped, burdened by my weight. The venom consumed more and more of his body by the second.

The monster in me told me to wait, to watch the thing suffer.

It was then that I started to crumble, thoughts of Bella invading, turning the heat of the hunt to ice. I sank to the snow covered ground not weak, but ashamed.

How quickly could I loose the side of me Bella had helped me to gain? How easy was it for me to regress into a terror? As I reverted back, would I loose my visions of Bella?

As long as I was what I was, there would be no in between for me. I was a horrific excuse for a being, or I was nothing. There is no such thing as control for killers.

Blood would never taste the same to me. It was tainted with that fact.

Quickly putting the deer out of his misery, I finished what I had come out to do, sucking down the contamination. I paused every once in awhile, either to sob in pain, overwhelmed with sorrow, or to get sick, disgusted with myself.

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I own nothing... The plot, the characters, most of the dialogue- All Stephenie Meyer's

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Alright, so I know you all hate me. I'm sorry it took so long to update. With two jobs, full time school, finals and the holidays, life has been overwhelming (and theres been a little writers block as well.) I love this story like a baby, and I want it to be the best that it can be, and be proud of it, so I refuse to rush out a chapter just to get it up. I want to give you guys quality, not quantity. (I know, this chapter is short, and I'm not really feeling it, so I might end up changing it up, but it's taking a bit for me to get back into my groove, which hopefully should be back by next week.) However, now I'm down to just work for awhile, so I will have lots more time to write, and should be updating regularly. Thank you to everyone for your amazing reviews and to all who stuck with me through the hiatus! Please keep reviewing and telling your friends about Meteor!

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Author update- I am suffering from INTENSE writer's block as of right now. I am SO sorry to all of my readers- I am really trying as to get this next chapter out but it just doesn't want to happen yet. I am in the process of brainstorming- this is a very important part in the story right now as everything must be linked together and lead to the end of the book. Your patience and understanding is VERY appreciated, and if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I might not use them (no offense, an authors gotta do what an authors gotta do) but I very well might use them (so don't send me anything you don't want me using without permission) Again, thank you, thank you, thank you!

PS- I'm so sick of having excuses for you guys... i hope this writers block goes away soon...


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